Shifting Sands
by Kassia525
Summary: This is a series of fill-in stories for the episodes of season nine, from 'Shifting Sands' to 'A Merry Little Christmas.'
1. Following the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: Boomerang, Lifeline, The Measure of Men, A Tangled Webb, but mostly the previews for Shifting Sands (AN: I've never written a scene for an episode that hasn't aired yet, but these bits of dialogue just wouldn't leave me alone until they were written out)  
  
******  
  
2118 EST Kresge Medical Center Pimmit Hills, VA  
  
Sarah MacKenzie walked down the hospital corridor, focusing on the current object of her irritation who seemed oblivious to his imminent peril at the other end of the hall. She accidentally bumped into a large nurse carrying a mound of bed linens who inadvertently stepped out of a patients' room and into the warpath of a United States Marine. Mac murmured a quick apology before continuing on to where her former partner was leaning against a window frame looking down at the parking lot. Briefly her mind registered that he was wearing civvies despite the fact that it was a weekday afternoon, but she quickly dismissed the thought, figuring she'd get used to it soon enough.  
  
"You left," was all she said to him as she crossed her arms across her winter uniform jacket.  
  
Harmon Rabb didn't even look up from the toy-sized cars maneuvering around the parking lot before responding in a bitter tone, "You're very observant. Guess that's why they let you stay in the Marine Corps."  
  
"Why did you leave?" she asked calmly, choosing to ignore the barb for the moment. "I thought you came with me because you wanted to see Clay."  
  
"If you don't know why I left, maybe you're not that observant," was his only reply as he walked past her to one of the many sterile lobbies that populated every floor of the hospital.  
  
"Okay, Harm. If that's the way you want to be about this whole thing, then fine. I know you're mad about what happened in Paraguay, but just look at it this way-we can consider ourselves even in the rejected advances category of our relationship." She yelled accusingly at his retreating back as he moved away from her.  
  
He turned around as if slapped. "How do you figure that, Colonel?" As soon as he stopped moving, she walked up to him, figuring she'd already made enough of a scene for all of the hospital personnel within earshot.  
  
"This." she gestured absently with her hands as she searched for the right word, ".situation. we've found ourselves in gives you a little idea of what I felt like that night on the ferry."  
  
He frowned as she watched him reliving that memory in his mind. After a moment, he conceded, "Maybe it does-to a degree-because I know that I said the wrong thing back then. But this time I know that I said the right thing, and I still get to relive that scene in the airport, except this time the setting is a hospital room. Sorry I didn't stick around to watch and see if there was a ring involved this time, too."  
  
He walked away from her again, only to find her in his face when he stopped a few paces away.  
  
"What is your problem?" she demanded.  
  
He finally looked at her. She looked extremely pissed, but he didn't particularly care at the moment. All he was aware of was that it was taking all of his self-control not to take offence at her oblivious disregard toward his feelings and all that he had given up just to watch her slip through his fingers.  
  
"You once asked me what I would give up to have you. I gave it all up, crashed and burned, and now I'm realizing I may not be able to get any of it back."  
  
His responses were really starting to irritate her, and she didn't make any effort to disguise that fact as she spit back, "So you're mad at me? I didn't ask you to give up your career so that you could come play hero and rescue me."  
  
He didn't flinch at her onslaught. He knew that one of them had to keep a cool head or they'd risk creating a scene for hospital security to take care of. "I never said that. All I said was that I'm starting to see everything I gave up to come after you. And despite all that, I would do it again."  
  
This time she let him walk away as she digested his words. He had definitely won that round of verbal repartee.  
  
After a few minutes, he sensed her approach and turned away from the muted television screen to face her. All of her anger seemed to have melted away to be replaced by a mask of indifference. "So, you finally let go, Harm."  
  
"Isn't that what you wanted me to do?" he asked as his resolve to not let her see how badly he was hurting started to slip. For the first time in his life, he seemed almost vulnerable as he admitted the truth. "I let go of everything because I thought I had finally found something better to hold on to."  
  
"And what would that be?" She wasn't going to succumb to emotional appeals and remained stoic under his gaze.  
  
"You."  
  
She looked up at him as he took a step closer to her. He saw the indecision in her eyes for a split second before she turned away from him. Her emotions wouldn't allow her to impassively escape from this confrontation anymore. She took a deep calming breath and turned back to face him. "I think that Clay and I might have something here, but you won't leave this non-existent 'us' alone. Why won't you leave it be?"  
  
"I let you walk away once before on a porch at a certain party, and only by divine intervention was I given a second chance," he spoke quietly as he cautiously came within an arm's length of her. He optimistically noted that she hadn't backed off at his intrusion into her personal space. "I've sat on my hands for so long that it looks like I may be losing that chance. Even though I may have been a little slow on the uptake, I'm not going to give up without a fight."  
  
She met his eyes defiantly and replied, "Harm, I told you it will never work. At some point you're going realize it, too, and you'll thank me for saving us both the heartache."  
  
He met her challenge with his own. "I was raised to believe that the things worth having are the things worth fighting for. And if you have to fight for something, you'll appreciate it that much more when you finally get it."  
  
She couldn't keep the incredulity out of her voice as she rebutted, "So all of a sudden you're willing to make an effort to have a relationship. Why didn't you want this four years ago? Hell, why not a year ago?"  
  
"I don't know! I guess I wasn't ready to risk it yet!" He threw his hands up in exasperation as he turned away and started to pace in front of a row of plastic-vinyl covered chairs. "We had our jobs to think about. Our hands were tied by the regulations we swore to uphold. Our friendship wasn't what it used to be, and I was afraid that a blind leap into the unknown would effectively kill our relationship if things didn't work out."  
  
"But why now?" She articulated each word separately. He stopped his pacing and looked at her. She watched as his eyes focused at a point somewhere beyond her as he carefully chose his answer.  
  
A few moments passed in suspended animation, before he refocused on her. She tried to avoid his eyes as he stepped toward her. Hesitantly, he reached his hand out to hover over her cheek, as if he were afraid to touch her. "Now the only thing I have left to lose is you, Sarah."  
  
She had spent so many years trying to get this man to open up to her, and when he finally did, she wasn't ready for it. She bit her lip in an attempt not to cry, but despite her efforts, a tear slipped out. Harm's hand finally made contact with her face to tenderly wipe the moisture away. His voice was quiet, but rough with emotion as he spoke to her, "I can't promise you that this will be easy or there won't be times when we want to kill each other, but I'm willing to try if you are."  
  
"I don't know if I can do what you're asking," she whispered back, feeling a few more teardrops trace a path down her face only to be brushed away a moment later by the incredible man in front of her that she had finally given up on, only to have his surprise her with this performance.  
  
After giving up everything else for her, he hesitated only a moment before risking his last shred of dignity with the response, "Not even to give love a chance?"  
  
Her breath caught in her throat as she backed up a step, leaving Harm with one hand suspended in mid-air where it had formerly been caressing her cheek. Her reply was barely audible, "Now you're telling me that you're in love with me?"  
  
She had never seen that particular look in his eyes, a mixture of gut- wrenching fear with a spark of hope. "I told you once that you have someone who will always love you. I thought you knew that it was me."  
  
Time seemed to freeze, neither quite believing what he had just admitted.  
  
She recovered first. "I can't do this right now," was all she managed to say before she turned and fled down the hall as fast as she could manage in her uniform heels.  
  
He stood there, staring in the direction she had gone for another few minutes. He had finally let Sarah MacKenzie know that she meant everything to him, and now all he could do was wait for her to decide what to do with that knowledge. His only consoling thought was that she hadn't taken off in the direction of Clayton Webb's hospital room.  
  
In the meantime, he was going to call a taxi to catch a ride back to JAG headquarters to pick up his car. He hadn't planned this when he had agreed to go with her to visit Clay earlier that afternoon, and he didn't think that pressing her for a ride would be the best course of action at the moment. It was only a minor complication in his royally screwed up life.  
  
******  
  
Written September 28, 2003 


	2. Resisting the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: The Stalker, Lifeline, Adrift, A Tangled Webb, Shifting Sands (If I missed any, I'm sorry) AN: Forgive me if treatment of Mac in this chapter is a little harsh. I'm still trying to figure out why she turned Harm down when he finally 'let go' for her. You'll need to read "Following the Shifting Sands" for this to make sense. Thanks for all the feedback and encouragement to write chapter two!  
  
******  
  
2025 EST Kresge Medical Center Pimmit Hills, VA  
  
Harm was going to be flying again. It might not be his preferred Tomcats, but the odds of surviving while assigned to a fighter squadron sounded better than those of a CIA pilot at the moment, despite all of Harm's previous altercations with his beloved Navy jets. There was more risk involved in espionage since one small misstep by any of the players involved in an operation could scuttle an entire mission and cost everyone involved their life.  
  
That's all Sarah MacKenzie could think as she walked away from Clay's hospital room. She was glad that the occupants of Clay's hospital room had been having too much fun enjoying the camaraderie of their new 'brotherhood' to notice her eavesdropping in the doorway. She needed a minute to digest this new information. When the admiral hadn't taken Harm back, she had been upset, but she'd assumed he'd find some decent civilian law firm to work for, and they'd be battling in the courtroom again before too long. She sat down on one of the sterile chairs in the hall's lobby, absently recalling that it was the same place she and Harm had been fighting a week ago when they had come to visit Clay together. Had it really been a week already?  
  
Her cell phone rang, interrupting her train of thought.  
  
"MacKenzie," she answered automatically as she brought the phone to her ear. The worried lines of her face softened at the voice on the other end of the line. She didn't know where this thing developing with Clayton Webb would take them, but she did know that it was nice to have someone paying so much attention to her while allowing her to be herself and not expecting too much in return. She was smiling as she answered him. "Actually, I'm on my way up right now. You shouldn't worry about me. I can take care of myself. You need to be worrying about getting better so the doctors will release you. Okay, I'll see you in a few minutes."  
  
The reality of what she had to walk into dawned on her as soon as she hung up. She hadn't seen Harm in a week, and she wasn't sure how he would react to her presence after all that they'd said to each other. It took her a few minutes more to force herself to stand up and walk back to the room. As she reached the doorway, Clay's visitors called out their good-byes and stepped out into the hallway.  
  
"Mac," Harm said, not allowing any emotion to show. It was almost as if they were strangers who just happened to know each other's name. Of course, he would have known she was coming since he had to have been in the room when Clay called her just a minute ago. He would have had sufficient time to able to prepare himself in case this exact situation occurred.  
  
"Harm." She was equally as cordial in her response.  
  
"You remember Catherine Gayle from the Angelshark investigation?" Harm politely presented his companion to his former partner.  
  
Mac automatically registered that this had been the third person she had overheard. She had been more preoccupied with the words spoken than by placing the unfamiliar voice. "Yes. What brings you here, Ms. Gayle? Making sure that Clay stays out of trouble until he's well enough to come back to work?"  
  
"My husband drove me here, but I wanted to check in on Clay anyway," Catherine replied with a cheerful smile.  
  
"Does your husband work for the CIA, too?" Mac asked courteously.  
  
"Actually, he does," Catherine said as she gave Harm a questioning look.  
  
He answered her look with a slight shrug before turning back to Mac. "You remember how I told you I'd gotten married while you were in Paraguay?" He trailed off and waited for Mac to pick up on his meaning.  
  
To her credit, Mac recovered quickly from her second shock that afternoon, all the while trying to convince herself that this was all an act. Harm was just trying to get under her skin with the new blond in his life since she had shocked him with her developing relationship with Clay in Paraguay. She wouldn't give Harm the satisfaction of showing any reaction that he could interpret as jealousy. "Congratulations. You're not going to change your last name, Ms. Gayle?"  
  
"Catherine Rabb didn't quite have the same ring to it," she replied with a grin. Turning to her 'husband,' Catherine motioned with her head toward some point behind her in the hall. "I'm going to run to the ladies room really quick before we leave. I'll be right back."  
  
"I'll be right here," he grinned at her and received a smile in return before Catherine walked away. Mac's heart tore a little at the fact that he would smile for this woman he barely knew, but as soon as his attention was focused back on her, all traces of that smile she loved would vanish.  
  
They both watched Catherine walk away. The clicking of her heels was almost inaudible when Mac finally broke the silence between them. "So... I haven't seen you around this week."  
  
As she had guessed, the smile was gone when he turned back to face her. She thought she'd taken his rejection in Sydney a whole lot better than this. Okay, so thinking back on the whole fiasco, maybe she hadn't reacted that well, and she'd gotten Mic involved in a situation where he was destined to come out the loser. His reply interrupted her musings on her past behavior. "I don't work at JAG anymore, so why would you have seen me?"  
  
"That's true," she agreed, not wanting to touch on the subject of his 'marriage' until she had a little more time to think over that new development since she had now met his 'wife.' In an attempt to bring the conversation around to what she'd overheard in Clay's room, she changed the subject, saying, "You seemed to have taken up with hanging out with spooks in the meantime."  
  
"I go where I'm needed," he replied with a vaguely. She could tell that his thoughts were elsewhere and that the only reason he was continuing this conversation with her was because he didn't have anything better to do until Catherine returned.  
  
"And the CIA needs you?" she asked as nonchalantly as she could manage.  
  
He finally looked at her before he replied, "Apparently, since they're going to let me fly for them."  
  
She wanted to sound as reasonable as possible because she knew that he was watching to see her reaction to this news. He knew that she hated the thought of him flying, but luckily, she had had a few minutes to digest the information so that her emotions couldn't get the best of her. Despite everything complicating their relationship at that moment, she was still his friend, and she wasn't going to let him do this without hearing her opinion on the subject. "Harm, the CIA? You want to fly for their operations? How many have we gone on where we almost got killed?"  
  
"Clay won't be around for a while, so I'll be safe at least until he's recovered," he said with a sardonic smile.  
  
He thought he'd joke about this, which made her want to smack him. "Be serious, Harm! You can find something else to do where you won't have to risk your life every time you go to work."  
  
Her tone wiped the smirk off of his face to be replaced with the hardest look she had ever seen. "You don't get a vote anymore, Mac. This is my life, and you've made it clear that you don't want to be a part of it."  
  
Throughout the eight years they'd worked together, he had never spoken to her this harshly, not even when she had fallen off the wagon and said some pointedly hurtful things to him. On the inside, she wanted to cry, but she would never let him have the satisfaction. "You and your damn airplanes!" she muttered angrily as she turned away from him, attempting to regain control of the emotions he was provoking.  
  
"You know, you once called Annie neurotic because she had a problem with me flying. She was the widow of a pilot with the safety of her son to worry about, so I think that she had a valid reason behind her fear, even if I couldn't understand it," he said as he walked around her so that they were facing again. "Just what is *your* problem with it, Mac?"  
  
She had to think fast, belatedly regretting that she'd pushed the conversation in this direction instead of asking about his pseudo-marriage. "You're obsessed with it, Harm. Flying forces everyone and everything else out of the picture and becomes the only thing that is important to you."  
  
He took her accusations without batting an eye. His response was decidedly bitter. "Well, lucky for me, just about everyone and everything that could have been superseded by my desire to fly in the past is out of the picture now. And don't forget that you're the reason behind that."  
  
"Excuse me?" He'd said it so matter-of-factly that she was stunned by the bluntness of his retaliation.  
  
"I told you not to go with Webb on this little adventure, but you didn't even consider my request," he said in a low voice.  
  
She was so incensed by his words that she automatically went into defensive mode and missed the hint of sadness behind them. "I was doing my duty, and it's my fault that you decided to chance the Admiral's wrath by resigning your commission?" she incredulously threw back in response.  
  
He looked her in the eye and, without reacting to the charged emotions she was radiating, said, "Ultimately, yes, you are."  
  
"Okay, tell me why it's all my fault since I wasn't exactly there holding a gun to your head," she said mockingly as she crossed her arms across her chest.  
  
He shrugged, as if the answer was as plain as the nose on her face. "I owed you, as you reminded me at your engagement party. You came after me in Russia to watch my six. Twice. I needed to repay the debt."  
  
She smiled as she found a loophole in his statement. "But I did that with the Admiral's permission."  
  
He was just as quick to tie up that loophole for her. "And if he had denied you permission, would you have sat on your hands while I went off alone into the great unknown? Could you have gone on doing your job, waiting to see whether I came back or not?"  
  
Mac stopped short, mouth open as if to reply. Both knew that at that point in their relationship, they would have risked everything for each other, so it wasn't worth wasting her breath trying to lie and to say she would have let him go off alone on his personal quest for the truth. She was taken aback as it finally dawned on her that he would still put his life on the line for her after everything they'd put each other through after his return to flying, the incident in Australia, and every other speed bump they'd encountered since his dip in the Atlantic on the eve of her wedding. And he had put his life as well as his career on the line just so that he could bring her back from Paraguay alive. He had saved her life, and Clay's too. Had she even said thank you?  
  
It was at that moment of enlightenment that she noticed what he had been fiddling with on his left hand throughout their entire confrontation, and she felt the world around her crumble.  
  
"I thought you said your marriage was a farce to get information to find me," she said quietly, transfixed by the shiny gold band encircling his finger. Her previous crusade to show Harmon Rabb that he was wrong had been forgotten as soon as she had seen the wedding ring.  
  
"I did, didn't I?" he said, making a big show of thinking about it for a few moments, still turning the band around his finger. Looking past her, he clapped his hands together and said, "Well, as much fun as this has been, I see my wife waiting for me. I promised that after we stopped in on Clay, we'd go visit her mother."  
  
She didn't want him to go, but couldn't figure out how to get him to stay. She had to know the truth about that ring and whether or not he was really married. Things were rocky between them right now, but she had thought up until she had seen that ring that they would work through everything, and that they'd be friends again, despite his change in military status. She had just assumed that she'd always have him there, even if it they never became romantically involved. That was just the way Harm was-he was her rock, the one she could depend on through thick and thin, even if there were times when they wanted to kill each other. He couldn't really have gone off and married Catherine just because she'd told him there was no hope for a future between them. Suddenly she realized that he was walking away from her, and all she could think to say was, "Harm."  
  
He turned back to face her, and their eyes met. She knew that he saw the fear in her eyes, fear of him walking out of her life forever. He smiled sympathetically, but didn't make a move in her direction. "You can't have it both ways. I have to go, and Clay is waiting for you."  
  
******  
  
Written October 4-6, 2003 


	3. Treading the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: small references to 'Yeah, Baby' and 'Lifeline,' a little bit of 'Pas de Deux,' but mostly 'Secret Agent Man' AN: This comes after "Following the Shifting Sands" and "Resisting the Shifting Sands." I'm not even going to let Mac show her face in this chapter-that line about not missing Harm really irked me! Anyway, she and Harm haven't seen each other in a while, so I couldn't easily arrange another confrontation and stay in sync with the current season. This piece lacks the angst of the previous chapters because there is no confrontation, so I hope you still like it. Thanks for all of the positive feedback so far!  
  
******  
  
1205 EST Robert's Residence  
  
"I'll get it!" a high-pitched boy's voice screamed, accompanied by the haphazard clomp-clomping of a hasty descent down the stairs.  
  
"AJ Roberts, do not open that door until I get there!" Bud Roberts yelled after the overly-energetic boy from the top of the staircase. The slightly irate father held his infant son over his shoulder with one hand and used the other to grasp the banister while trying to quickly but cautiously make his way down the stairs in pursuit of his other son.  
  
He had only made it down a few steps when little AJ squealed, "Uncle Harm!" after obviously ignoring his father's warning to wait to open the door.  
  
"I thought your dad said not to open the door, young man," Harm admonished, having easily overheard the commotion inside despite the closed door.  
  
AJ attempted to look slightly chastised as he replied in his defense, "But it was just you Uncle Harm. It wasn't a stranger."  
  
Harm subconsciously watched out of the corner of his eye to make sure that Bud made it safely down the last few steps, but the majority of his attention was still focused on the young Roberts in front of him. "And did you check to make sure it wasn't a stranger before you opened the door?"  
  
The four-year-old couldn't think up a good excuse for this oversight. He hung his head as he answered, "No, sir."  
  
Bud wordlessly thanked Harm for reinforcing what he'd been trying to get through to his son before taking over with the scolding. "So what are you going to do next time you hear someone at the door, AJ?"  
  
"Wait for you to let me open the door," he answered his father dejectedly.  
  
"That's right," Bud agreed. Noticing that Harm was still standing on the porch, he decided to let AJ off the hook since it had been a while since he had seen his godfather. "Why don't you let Uncle Harm in the house now?"  
  
"Okay!" the little boy perked up when he realized that the lecturing was done for now. He pushed the door open all the way so that Harm could step into the foyer.  
  
"How do you like your little brother, kiddo?" Harm asked, squatting down to be at eye-level with his godson as he pushed the door closed again.  
  
"He cries a lot," AJ replied truthfully, leaning back against the door with all of his weight to get it to shut.  
  
"Babies tend to do that," was all that Harm could think to say. He tousled AJ's hair affectionately, and then standing up, he brought a Toys R Us bag out from behind his back. "Hey, guess what? I brought you something."  
  
AJ eagerly grabbed the plastic bag and pulled out his new toy. A big smile lit up his face as he showed his father, "It's an airplane!"  
  
"What do you say to Uncle Harm," Bud prodded, rocking the baby who had started fussing at all the noise his big brother was making.  
  
"Thank you!" AJ smiled up at his godfather as he sat down on the bottom step and proceeded to unceremoniously strip the toy of its packaging.  
  
The two adults walked into the family room since the youngster's new prize would keep him busy for a little while without their help. Harm pulled back the fuzzy blue baby blanket to get a better look at the newest Roberts. "So this is Jimmy?"  
  
"Yes, this is James Kirk Roberts," Bud announced as he held the baby out for Harm to take him.  
  
Harm positioned the sleepy infant in the crook of his arm like an old pro as he settled himself in the corner of the couch closest to Bud's recliner. He gave Bud a funny look as the name registered. "Did you just say."  
  
"Yes, he's named after Captain Kirk. The funny thing is, Harriet didn't realize it until Mikey said something," Bud grinned as he related the story. His smile lost some of its intensity as he recalled the aftermath of that little revelation. "But then I got an earful about it with a few nights of sleeping alone for good measure."  
  
Harm chuckled as he watched the infant yawn and stretch his tiny fists over his head. The peace and quiet was interrupted when AJ wandered in with his new airplane, now free of its cardboard and plastic prison and accompanied by the airplane noises only a four-year-old can make. "Hey, Uncle Harm!" he said as he climbed up on the couch.  
  
"Hey, what?" Harm replied as AJ kneeled down next to him, the airplane forgotten on the cushion behind him for the moment.  
  
AJ pointed to his brother and then himself as he said seriously, "Jimmy's a captain, but I'm the admiral. That makes me his superior officer."  
  
Harm tried not to laugh since his godson was being so serious. A baby named after a 'captain' and a boy named after an 'admiral'. this couldn't get any funnier unless the Roberts had another kid with naval rank inherent in his or her name. He kept a straight face as he answered, "Yes, I suppose it does."  
  
"Uncle Harm?" the boy asked, sitting back on his haunches.  
  
"Yes, kiddo?"  
  
"Do you want to be in my Navy? I'll let you be a commander still."  
  
'Out of the mouths of babes,' was the first thought that came to Harm. He was stunned by the sincerity behind the offer and the significance of what the child was offering without understanding anything more than the fact that he had overheard his parents say that his godfather wasn't a commander in the real Navy anymore. "I'd love to be in your Navy. But, if you're the admiral, does that mean I have to call you 'sir?'"  
  
AJ was thrilled by the acceptance, but obviously wasn't sure about the chain of command, other than the fact that he was superior to his baby brother. "Uh. does he, Daddy?"  
  
"If he's still a commander in your Navy, then yes, he would," Bud told his son, obviously as touched as Harm had been.  
  
"Cool," AJ grinned. The Hallmark moment was over.  
  
"Why don't you go get some of your other planes from upstairs?" Harm suggested.  
  
"Okay!"  
  
He watched as AJ scrambled off of the couch and ran out of the room. It was hard not to look at his godson and remember a promise he'd made the day he was born that once again seemed to have been rendered null and void. He shook those thoughts away and focused on why he had stopped by to visit in the first place. "I'm sorry I missed the christening. I really wanted to be there, but I don't have the seniority I need to get requested days off anymore."  
  
"I understand, sir. And thank you for the present you sent."  
  
"You can drop the 'sir,' Bud. Remember, I'm not in the *real* Navy anymore," he smiled as he remembered the commission he'd just accepted into AJ's Navy.  
  
"How is working for the CIA?"  
  
"That's classified," he deadpanned. Bud looked startled at the abrupt response, and Harm couldn't help chuckling at the expression on his friend's face. "I'm just kidding, Bud. It's different, but they let me fly. And they just offered me field agent status."  
  
"Are you going to do it?"  
  
"I'm still thinking about it." Harm looked down at the dozing infant in his arms. Picking up one of Jimmy's little fists, he let the tiny fingers wrap around his much larger index finger.  
  
"Do you miss JAG?" Bud asked after watching his former commanding officer interact with his youngest son for a few minutes.  
  
Harm looked up, the baby still reflexively gripping his finger, even while asleep. "Yeah, I do. But I know that a lot of things have changed since I left, so it's not the same place anymore."  
  
The younger man hesitated before he asked another question. "Can I ask you something personal?"  
  
"Um, sure." Harm had a sinking feeling that he knew where this conversation was headed, but he would indulge his friend a little and at least let him ask the question.  
  
"Did something happen with you and Colonel MacKenzie?"  
  
"Why do you ask?" he asked guardedly in response. He wasn't going to say anything more than he had to on this subject. He may not have to see Mac on a regular basis anymore, but he still didn't want anything he said on the subject of their now non-existent relationship getting back to her and instigating any more hard feelings.  
  
Bud was treading just as cautiously in the conversation, not wanting to offend Harm or to get too personal. "Well, I asked her if she missed having you around at JAG, and she said no."  
  
The facial reaction reminded Bud of someone who had just bitten into a pickle. "Ouch," was all he said.  
  
"I'm sorry, sir," Bud immediately apologized. "I probably shouldn't have said anything."  
  
"No, it's okay," Harm sighed. He'd wondered a million times how he and Mac had ended up at this point. He still didn't have a good answer, but he had to tell Bud something. "I guess you could say we've decided that we need to go our separate ways."  
  
Deciding to risk one more question, Bud asked, "But you resigned your commission to go look for her, and now you're not friends anymore?"  
  
"I'm glad that someone else is just as baffled as I am about that," Harm stated emphatically. Bud had obviously hit a sore spot with that observation.  
  
Giving up on the previous subject, Bud commented on something he had noticed earlier, "You're wearing a wedding ring." He had hoped that maybe it had been connected to the colonel and the two of them were just playing it cagey while they tried to figure out if it would work out. That assumption was obviously off-target, so now his curiosity got the best of him.  
  
"Oh, I forgot that I put it on already," Harm said as he looked at the gold band on his left ring finger. He remembered Mac's reaction when she'd seen it the last time they'd exchanged words outside of Clay's hospital room. Since its presence hadn't done anything to prompt action on that front despite his lack of an explanation, he figured there was no harm telling Bud the real reason behind it. Even if Bud said something to Mac, it was obvious that she had already made up her mind regarding him, and minor technicalities wouldn't do a whole lot to change the situation. "It was sort of a gag gift from Catherine Gayle when I accepted the job with the CIA. I've visited her mother with her a few times since I've been back. I play the loving husband and dutiful son-in-law in order to avoid questions and make her mother happy. I'm heading to the hospital after I leave here, so I put the ring on so I wouldn't forget before I got there."  
  
"I didn't know you were going to continue doing this after the little ceremony we staged."  
  
"Neither did I, but this is probably the closest I'll get to married life, and I kind of like it. having mother-in-law who is absolutely thrilled to have me around. Catherine is a good listener, and she's my CIA sponsor, too. and her brother and I get along pretty well. I feel like part of a family. It's just kind of awkward when her mom starts hinting about grandkids, but I've been dodging my mother's inquiries for long enough that it's not too bad," Harm smiled sardonically.  
  
"Mommy's home!" they heard AJ yell from upstairs a split second before the sound of little feet clattering down the stairs preceded the blond boy's entrance. He ran through the family room in a blur to meet his mother at the garage door.  
  
Harm and Bud watched the ball of energy bound past them. Harm shook his head, wondering what it would be like to have that much energy, then glanced at his watch. "I should probably be going. I promised Catherine that I'd be by around 1:00," he told Bud as he stood.  
  
"Thank you for stopping by. Would you like me to pass on any messages to anyone at JAG for you?" Bud stood as well and took his son back from his friend as he prepared to leave.  
  
Harm thought for a moment before he replied, "Tell Jenn to stay on her toes so the admiral can't catch her off-guard. And make sure you tell Sturgis not to enjoy my old office too much."  
  
"Anyone else?" Bud asked distractedly as he shushed the baby, who had started fussing at the change of hands.  
  
"Other than you and Harriet, that's all the friends I seem to have left at JAG." Harm didn't seem upset at the fact-he seemed more resigned to it than anything else.  
  
"Commander Rabb! It's great to see you!" Harriet gushed as she walked into the family room with AJ in her arms.  
  
Harm turned around to greet her. "It's just Harm, Harriet. How are you doing?" She put AJ down so that she could give him a hug.  
  
"Just great," she smiled as she stepped back from their embrace. "Are you staying for lunch?"  
  
"I'm actually on my way out, but I'm glad I got to see you before I left."  
  
"Well, you'll have to come by some other time."  
  
"I'll have to do that," he agreed. Once again, he bent down to look AJ in the eye. "You listen to your parents now, you hear?"  
  
"Yes, sir," AJ replied earnestly.  
  
"I'm the one that's supposed to call you sir now, right Admiral AJ?" Harm joked.  
  
"Oh, yah. I forgot," AJ grinned back.  
  
The small family followed their visitor to the door. Harm waved goodbye as Harriet closed the door behind him.  
  
"AJ invited him to join his Navy so he could be a commander still," Bud said to explain the question he'd seen on Harriet's face when she heard Harm's parting comment to little AJ.  
  
She stroked Jimmy's cheek as he settled back to sleep in his father's arms and smiled at thought of AJ offering his godfather rank in his imaginary Navy. "That's too sweet. Did you ask about the colonel?" Bud had told her about Mac's comment earlier that week, and Harriet was just as concerned as he was about it.  
  
"I'd take all of the money you've collected from the pool and give it to charity if I were you," he cringed as he thought about Harm's reaction when he'd relayed the comment to him.  
  
"Things are that bad?"  
  
"Seems that way."  
  
"Any details?" she had to ask as she followed Bud up the stairs. AJ stomped his way up the staircase ahead of them and was waiting at the entrance to Jimmy's room by the time his parents had reached the top of the stairs.  
  
"None. You'll have to try the girl talk angle with Colonel MacKenzie when you're back from maternity leave if you want details because I'm getting the impression that she's the one shouldering more responsibility for how things have ended up between them."  
  
Harriet leaned against the door frame as Bud leaned down to let AJ kiss his little brother before he set the infant down in his crib. Despite what Bud had just told her, she couldn't help but be the eternal optimist as she looked at her little family and thought about how blessed she was. "Maybe things will still work out for them. We can just keep praying and hope that with time they can reconcile their differences."  
  
******  
  
Written October 14-16, 2003 


	4. Manipulating the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: 'The One that Got Away', and a little from 'Secret Agent Man' AN: This comes after "Following," "Resisting," and "Treading the Shifting Sands." TPTB tried to spoil "Treading" by putting it out of sync with "The One That Got Away," but of course I've got a way to rectify that situation. Since Mac is back in my good graces, she gets her own chapter with Bud now. I'm borrowing two scenes from TOTGA to frame this chapter. I hope TPTB don't mind that I used my artistic license to reinterpret these scenes!  
  
******  
  
1820 EST JAG Headquarters Falls Church, Virginia  
  
Bud flipped through a random file as he covertly watched the door to the admiral's office from a safe distance. He knew that Colonel MacKenzie was in there, and he was going to talk to her while he still had the courage to do it. Since the former Commander Rabb had dropped by his home for a visit the week before, Bud had been trying to find a way to broach the subject of the faltering friendship with the colonel without being obvious about it. Even if the two of them were having problems at the moment, everyone knew that deep down, they cared about each other. Bud was bound and determined to prove it, even if he had to tell a few white lies to do so.  
  
Out of the corner of his eye he saw the admiral's door open, and he was immediately on his way to intercept the colonel. He belatedly noticed that Commander Turner was with her, but it was too late to alter his course.  
  
"Well, good morning, ma'am, sir."  
  
"Hey, Bud," was her friendly reply. It was good that she didn't seem to notice that his palms were starting to sweat at the idea of lying to a superior officer. Commander Turner's presence wasn't making things any easier since he was holding a grudge the size of Everest against the junior officer.  
  
"Lieutenant," was the commander's clipped response.  
  
Bud chose to ignore the commander's negative vibes and continue with what he had set out to do. Hopefully Harm hadn't had enough time to keep up with other people around the office so that the presence of his old Academy buddy wouldn't throw a flag into Bud's plans. "I was curious. have either one of you heard from Commander Rabb?"  
  
"You mean former Commander Rabb?"  
  
Bud forced himself not to grimace at her instant reply. At least it didn't seem as callous as when he'd asked if she missed him last week. "That's right, ma'am. It's kind of hard for me to think of it in any other way."  
  
"Some of us are too busy to think of him at all," Sturgis responded to Bud's comment before starting to walk away. Mac immediately fell into step with him, and Bud felt he had no choice but to follow if he was going to finish this.  
  
"I've checked in with him, but I haven't heard back," Mac offered.  
  
Bud thought it was a positive sign that Mac hadn't considered the conversation over when she walked away. He took this as an invitation to continue. "It's weird. It's like he just disappeared."  
  
"Well, that's what they do in the CIA. I'm sure he'll touch base as soon as he can."  
  
It sounded like she had already thought about this topic since she had an answer ready for him. Bud continued playing his part, trying to gauge the colonel's current feelings on the subject of Harmon Rabb. "Well, I guess. I just hope everything's all right."  
  
"Harm and the phrase 'everything's all right' don't usually go together," Sturgis said, throwing Bud off in the middle of the encouraging exchange with the colonel.  
  
Bud tried to pull the conversation back with and uncertain, "Well, yeah, but."  
  
He was too late because the commander was now ignoring him and trying to go about his official business with Colonel MacKenzie. "Colonel, Force Recon is based at Camp Lejeune. We should probably get down there as soon as we can."  
  
"Yeah, of course. You want me to." she replied, seeming only slightly thrown off by the abrupt change in subject.  
  
"That's okay. I'll make the call and set it up."  
  
"Great." Mac said, but Turner had already disappeared into his office. Bud stood by, not sure what to do next. The colonel saved him from having to make that decision. "I take it you two haven't fully worked things out."  
  
Rather than having to make a blatant attempt to get the conversation back on Harm, Bud made a mental note to bring up the subject another time. Focusing on the issue at hand, he sighed, "I don't blame him. It was my mistake, and it was his career that suffered."  
  
"Don't worry Bud, Commander Turner will get over it, and Harm will call."  
  
Colonel MacKenzie left him with a reassuring squeeze on his arm, and he felt that encouragement on two fronts-things could only get better with Commander Turner given time, and Mac hadn't forgotten who they'd been talking about. Hopefully he wasn't reading too much into her parting mention of Harm. Harriet probably wouldn't think that he was.  
  
1918 EST Mac's apartment Georgetown  
  
Bud's inquiries had piqued her curiosity about Harm's disappearance. She'd assumed that Harm was just avoiding her because of everything that had happened between them, but now she had confirmation that it wasn't just her, and that made her worry about him. She could understand why Harm would be less than enthusiastic about returning her call, but to shut out Bud and Sturgis, too.  
  
I just hope everything's all right, Bud had said. Was Harm all right?  
  
Mac stared at the cordless phone on the couch next to her from her position curled up in the corner. She hugged one of her throw pillows while she debated whether or not to call him. She didn't really know what she would say to him, but she needed the peace of mind knowing that he was safe on the ground and not out risking his neck flying some fool CIA operation.  
  
After a moment, she shook her head. This was not high school, and she was not calling the cute guy in math class for the first time. She picked up the phone and hit the speed-dial. Despite their current situation, she hadn't erased Harm's number.  
  
By the third ring, she wanted to hang up, but she knew that the Caller ID had already recorded her call, so she might as well leave a message if he didn't pick up before the next ring.  
  
She heard the machine click on: "This is an answering machine. You know what to do."  
  
"Hey, it's just me. I don't know if you got my message, but I just wanted to see how you're doing." She paused before adding, "Lots of people are asking about you, and I just wish I had something to tell them. Call me when you have a minute."  
  
As soon as she hit 'end,' she threw the phone to the other side of the couch, muttering, "I hate answering machines."  
  
A minute later, the phone was back in her hand, and she was trying to recall a number from her memory. There was no answer after three rings, so she hung up and tried another number.  
  
"Webb."  
  
"Why aren't you at home?" she scolded. Clay was used to her mothering by now, but it didn't stop her from doing it.  
  
"Because you're not there with me."  
  
"Cute, Clay," she said, rolling her eyes. "But really, you shouldn't be working this late. You're still not 100%."  
  
"I'm fine, Sarah," he sounded a little irritated before he thought to add, "And I'd be even better if I could see you sometime."  
  
"We'll see about that later," Mac smiled at his indefatigable devotion to her, but she hadn't called to arrange a date. "Um, have you seen Harm around? Everyone is asking about him, and I just want to be able to tell them that he's still alive at least."  
  
"I saw him about a week ago, but unlike me, he's allowed out of the office to work."  
  
She knew that this was a sore point for Clay, so she tried to steer away from his current working restrictions. "You wouldn't happen to know if he's out on a mission right now?" Or maybe he's just avoiding my phone calls, she added silently.  
  
"Most likely he is, but I couldn't tell you even if I knew," he sounded a little annoyed. Harm was still not one of the favorite topics between the two, even though he had pretty much stepped out of the picture. But now that Clay knew that Mac reciprocated his affections, he easily got over his little bouts of jealousy. "What I can do, though, is pack up my stuff and drop by your place on my way home."  
  
"My apartment isn't on your way home," she had to point out. The Harm matter was effectively closed for the time being she knew from a few past inquiries.  
  
"I'll take the scenic route." He waited patiently for a reply. She didn't give him one, but she didn't say no, so he used the best bribe he'd learned so far, "I'll pick up some chocolate chip cheesecake on my way over."  
  
"Okay," she agreed somewhat reluctantly, "but you can't stay late. I have court in the morning."  
  
1032 EST JAG Headquarters Falls Church, Virginia  
  
Bud walked out of his office only to run into Colonel MacKenzie, who was unenthusiastically shuffling papers. "Ah, good morning, Colonel. How did things go down at Camp Lejeune?"  
  
"Oh, as well as could be expected I guess," she replied.  
  
Something was bothering her, so Bud attempted to alleviate her misery by alluding to his current problems. "I bet Commander Turner was happy to have me out of his way for the day."  
  
"Well, if he was, it certainly wasn't reflected in his mood this morning," she said, walking away.  
  
Bud was curious about this new development. Following her to her office, he had to ask, "Are you on his list now, too, ma'am?"  
  
"Come on, Bud. This isn't high school."  
  
"I know. You're right," he tried to sound chagrined, but he had a point to make about all of this. "But with Commander Turner's anger at me and the admiral's anger at Commander Rabb, this used to be a lot more pleasant place to work."  
  
"Speaking of unpleasant, have you heard from Harm?"  
  
Bud was taken aback for a second. He'd wanted to raise the subject at a later date, but since Colonel MacKenzie had opened the door, he wasn't going to walk away from it. He tried not to sound too eager as he quickly replied, "No ma'am. I tried his cell phone-no luck."  
  
"Hmm," she interjected, but Bud was on a roll. After all, he had tried these very things before the former commander had unexpectedly shown up on his doorstep.  
  
"I tried calling the CIA. They won't even admit that he works there." He heard her try to stifle a guffaw at the thought of anyone not wanting to claim Harm. The humor immediately evaporated, though, the moment he suggested, "Maybe it's time you called Mr. Webb to see what he knows, ma'am."  
  
"If I call Clayton, the last thing he's going to want to talk about is Harm."  
  
"Really?" was all that he could think to say. A few pieces of the puzzle fell into place in Bud's mind.  
  
Before he could think of how to elicit some more information on this subject, she quickly terminated the conversation. "And that's all I'm going to say before this really starts to sound like high school. Look, check with the admiral. Maybe Harm left an email to forward his messages to."  
  
"Ma'am, do I look dumb enough to broach that subject with the admiral?"  
  
"Think of it as brave, Lieutenant," she told him mockingly. Everyone at JAG knew that mentioning the former Commander Rabb in the admiral's presence was just plain masochistic.  
  
Bud rolled his eyes as he walked away, but in the back of his mind, he congratulated himself for accomplishing his mission-it was obvious that Sarah MacKenzie was still worrying about Harm, even though she tried to convince those around her that she didn't miss him. This new information about Mr. Webb explained a few things, too. Now Bud just had to figure out what to do with what he knew.  
  
******  
  
Written October 24, 2003 


	5. Contemplating the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: "Touchdown" Summary: Harm and Mac both reflect on his mission that resulted in landing a disabled C-130 on the deck of an aircraft carrier and ultimately ended his career with the CIA. Note: This comes after "Following," "Resisting," "Treading," and "Manipulating the Shifting Sands." I had this general idea floating around in my head all week, but didn't really know where do go with it until I saw "Back in the Saddle."  
  
******  
  
JAG Headquarters Mac's POV  
  
What was Harm doing in a C-130 transport on the Seahawk? The reporter had no answer, but everyone at JAG knew that the former Commander Rabb had to have been flying a mission for the CIA. Mac couldn't help it as a small smile crept to her lips. Some 'secret' agent man he turned out to be, getting his face plastered all over ZNN while on an 'unknown' mission. he was going to get some dressing down about that when he debriefed.  
  
Mac listened as the reporter finished his segment and the screen went back to the news anchor. Harm had to save the day. again. She shook her head as she made her way back to his office. Harm was unchangeable, that was for sure. Take away the uniform and his courtroom eloquence, and you were still left with his innate tendency to usurp the spotlight by selflessly saving the world. If Mac didn't know better, she would swear that Superman had a twin brother.  
  
Sitting down at her desk, her thoughts were still on what little she knew of Harm's latest escapade. Mac couldn't decide whether or not she wanted to know any more details about the mortal peril he had placed himself in this time for the sake of a few people he didn't know. But it wasn't like Harm was returning her calls anyway.  
  
She sighed as she thought about all of the things that made Harm the person he was and that were only magnified by all that he had done to save the lives of her and countless others in all the years she'd known him.  
  
Nothing was getting done while she pondered the dilemma that she'd found herself in concerning Harm. Resolved to get back to work, she glanced down at her calendar and saw that she was supposed to have dinner with Clay that evening. Things weren't working out, despite the fact that he absolutely adored her, and she was trying to figure out the best way to break things off without bringing Harm in to the picture. Why was it that every guy she dated couldn't get over whatever weirdness was between her and Harmon Rabb? Even now, when Harm was virtually inaccessible due to the time he spent on assignment for the CIA, she knew Webb resented the place her former partner still held in her heart.  
  
Because as much as she might want to deny it to save herself the heartache, she was still in love with him.  
  
USS Seahawk Harm's POV  
  
"If only I had a camera," Beth said quietly as she pulled a chair up next to Harm. They'd been directed to the mess hall aboard ship to await alternate transportation off of the vessel. The Libyan agent's family was huddled across the room, except for the young girl that had attached herself to Harm and was asleep in his arms.  
  
"There are plenty of news cameras out there. I'm sure you could get one of them in here to broadcast this scene to the world," Harm whispered back.  
  
"You do realize that this is going to compromise your position as a CIA operative?"  
  
Harm sighed as she vocalized what he had known from the moment he'd seen the ZNN news crew on the deck. "Yeah, I know."  
  
They were silent for a minute with their own thoughts before Beth broke in, changing the subject. "She took quite a liking to you," she smiled, indicating the sleeping child.  
  
"She did, didn't she?" Harm's smile was genuine as he looked down at the dark-haired girl. It slowly melted away, as he thought about how he'd gotten to this point in his life. His voice was full of regret as he thought aloud, "You know, Beth, this makes me wonder why I didn't get my life's priorities straight while I had a chance for a family. I want kids of my own, but I just don't think it's going to happen anymore."  
  
"The right woman got away?" she asked with a knowing smile. Men were so transparent sometimes, and it was obvious that a woman was the source of a lot of Harm's pain. She'd seen that pain lessen with time as they worked together, but in the end, it was still there, lurking under the surface. She'd never asked much about it because she figured he'd tell her if he wanted her to know.  
  
He looked at his co-pilot, realizing that Beth had already figured him out despite his efforts to keep Sarah MacKenzie from affecting his new life. His response, though, was only a vague, "Something like that. I suppose I'll just have to continue living vicariously though my friends' children."  
  
"Just think of all the money you'll save doing that," Beth pointed out with a small laugh.  
  
"Thanks, Beth." Harm smiled back at her, grateful for using humor to get his mind away from topics that were better left buried for now.  
  
"You're welcome," she said, then hesitated before continuing. "But I actually came down here to warn you that the skipper's looking for you, and he's not too happy about the uproar you caused."  
  
Harm's face pinched up as he thought of the verbal dressing down that was in store. "Thanks for the warning."  
  
Both former naval officers stood, and Beth watched as Harm met the mother walking toward them and handed the girl off to her. He walked back to Beth and crossed his arms across his chest. She looked up at him. "You know, somehow I get the feeling we won't see much of each other in the imminent future," she said. He turned to look at her with a raised eyebrow. "I just wanted to let you know that it's been a pleasure working with you."  
  
She held out her hand. Harm shook it firmly, knowing that she was right. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the skipper enter. The time had come for him to face the consequences of this operation gone south.  
  
******  
  
Written 1 November 2003 


	6. Aggravating the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: "A Tangled Webb," "Back in the Saddle" Summary: Harm and Mac can never get themselves on the same page where the subject of 'us' is concerned. Note: This comes after "Following," "Resisting," "Treading," "Manipulating," and "Contemplating the Shifting Sands." I've given up trying to conform completely with season 9, so you will see a few discrepancies between my stories and the current season. And we're back to the confrontations. I seem to like Harm and Mac best when they're fighting- it must be all that UST.  
  
******  
  
1959 EST Harm's Apartment North of Union Station  
  
Mac wasn't exactly sure why she chose to wait in her car across the street from Harm's apartment for Catherine Gayle to leave. She wanted to try to talk to Harm, to smooth things out between them, but she hadn't wanted to intrude on him and his purported wife.  
  
Mac didn't really keep track of time as she waited, drumming her fingers on the steering wheel while rehearsing what she would say to Harm when he found her back on his doorstep. Her mind was wandering when she saw movement in the doorway. She froze when she saw the two figures exiting. Catherine didn't have her coat closed as she had when she arrived, and she was obviously pregnant. Harm was right behind her, walking her to her car. Mac watched him open the door for her and make sure she was safely inside her car before flashing a winning smile and shutting the door behind her.  
  
He tossed Catherine a cheery wave as she pulled out and watched as she drove away. The car had long since disappeared, and he was still standing there with a frown now on his face and his hands in the pockets of his leather aviator's jacket. It took Mac another moment to realize that he knew she was there and was waiting for her to make her move.  
  
This wasn't going according to the scenario she'd worked out in her head already. Mac sighed as she realized she'd have to go with what little she was going to get out of the inaccessible Harmon Rabb. Slamming the door to her corvette behind her, she looked both ways before crossing the street to where Harm was still staring off in the direction that Catherine's car had gone.  
  
Mac waited for him to say something, but when her internal clock told her they'd been standing there in the cold for five minutes, she decided to break the ice. "Your wife going undercover?"  
  
"Nah, they don't want to send CIA lawyers undercover. Especially when their five months pregnant." His eyes were still fixed on a point in the distance as he casually responded.  
  
"Is it yours?"  
  
He turned and glowered at her as he pulled his hands out of his pockets and crossed his arms across his chest. "That is none of your business."  
  
"I'd like the record to state that I perceive that hostile answer as a 'no,' Your Honor," she mocked. He was really starting to irritate her with this new attitude. He had obviously changed a great deal from the man she used to know in the few short months they'd been apart. Mac frowned back at him for a moment before she casually noted, "You're not wearing your wedding ring."  
  
"I must have left it upstairs," he replied without even batting an eye. "Why are you still here anyway? Car die and your cell phone isn't getting a strong enough signal so you can call Webb to pick you up?"  
  
Yes, she'd essentially blown Harm off, but didn't their years of friendship previous to that incident warrant a little more civility form him? She brushed that thought away as she began to recite part of the script she'd rehearsed while waiting in the car. "I wanted to talk to you."  
  
"You could have stayed upstairs to do that, but you turned tail when Catherine showed up," Harm pointed out.  
  
"Yes, I did. But I'm here now," she replied just as stubbornly. They glared at each other, neither speaking a word as she confronted his new attitude and he challenged her mere presence. In the end, she was the one who gave in. After all, she had prepared a little speech to perform for him.  
  
"Clay and I aren't together anymore. I told him that I just wanted to be friends. Right after your last mission."  
  
"Poor Webb." Harm didn't sound the least bit sympathetic. They both stood there for a while longer as the wind picked up. Mac's teeth involuntarily started to chatter-she should have worn a heavier coat.  
  
In the past, Harm would have offered her his coat at the very least, or more likely would have invited her up for a warm cup of coffee. Now he just stared at her and simply asked, "Did you stay out here all this time just to set me straight on that point?"  
  
She rubbed her arms and brought her chattering teeth under control. This was definitely not how she had pictured this going while she was waiting for Catherine to leave. "I wanted to apologize. in case it may have somehow played a part, however minor, in your getting fired."  
  
"If Clay thinks I'm still a threat, he's not very observant. We haven't seen each other in what-five months now? It's not like we're working together on a daily basis. Based on that fact alone, he should have felt more secure about his position with you than anything, especially with me constantly away on missions."  
  
That hurt, but she wasn't going to let his callous words prevent her from finishing this conversation. "Not when I keep asking about you to make sure you haven't killed yourself yet. I couldn't help but worry about you when I know you're out there somewhere playing hero."  
  
She smiled inwardly as she finally seemed to penetrate through the new Rabb defenses. He took a moment and really looked at her. Then the moment was over, the barriers were back in place, and he parroted back to her words she'd said to him months earlier. "Why is it that you only show interest when I've got one foot out the door. Your interest fades when I might actually be in a position to return it."  
  
"What is that supposed to mean?" she returned hotly. Maybe there was no getting through to him anymore.  
  
"You're the one who originally said it, so why don't you tell me?" he immediately shot back.  
  
"You know exactly what I meant," she said dangerously. Harm ignored her and looked back in the direction where Catherine's car had disappeared. Mac waited for him to say something. Or to leave. She tried to think warm thoughts to fight the rapidly chilling temperature as she waited for his next move.  
  
He turned away from her and walked across the street to her Corvette. He opened the door and waited for her to follow. She obligingly sat down in her car, looking up at him expectantly. If he wanted her gone, at least he was being a gentleman about it.  
  
"Catherine and I aren't really married," he finally said quietly. He avoided looking directly at her as he stood there holding the door open. "And she isn't carrying my child. But she has been there for me these past five months when I've needed a friendly ear."  
  
She saw exactly where he was going with this. "So now that you discovered that you like playing house with CIA Barbie, you want to make it a permanent situation?" she couldn't help but retort.  
  
That had been the wrong move on her part. Harm's reaction was positively hostile. "Excuse me, little Miss Sanctimonious. You waltz in here, tell me that you're available again, hint that you've changed your mind about me, and you expect me to drop everything for you? I tried giving up everything for you once already, and you threw it back in my face. I'll tell you why we'll never work, Mac-you never compromise. It's your way, or the highway, and I pity any man who has to conform to your standards. My life may be falling apart around me, but at least I know which friends I can depend on, and you're not one of them anymore." With that, he slammed the door in her face and walked away without looking back.  
  
At one time in his life, he would have rather given his life than intentionally hurt Sarah MacKenzie. Obviously, that time was now in the past.  
  
In her car, Mac gripped the steering wheel till her knuckles turned white, and she made no move to wipe away the stream of tears flowing down her face.  
  
******  
  
Written 1 November 2003 


	7. Placating the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: "Lawyers, Guns, and Money," "The One That Got Away" (for any high school comments), and was "Touchdown" the one where the admiral decided to bring Imes back? Summary: Consider this a prequel to "Close Quarters" in order to explain why Harm and Mac seem to be buddy-buddy again all of a sudden. And if you have any connections to TPTB, tell them they need to look up "continuity" in the dictionary--and not just to fit into my timeline! Note: This comes after "Following (et al) the Shifting Sands." Despite my characterization of Mac in this series so far, I do admire all that she has done with her life--it's her decisions about men that I have problems with. She comes off a lot better in this chapter, though.  
  
******  
  
0507 EST Mac's Apartment Georgetown  
  
Sarah MacKenzie came to the sudden realization that she was awake. And just as quickly as that fact dawned on her, the source of her state of agitation came back, too. She'd been dreaming about Harm's first day back at JAG and all of the worst-case scenarios that resulted from them being in the same building together again. It was going to be rough, if their few intense confrontations since their return from Paraguay were any indication. She groaned and pulled the covers back up around her, but her mind was wide awake now despite her desire to slip back to dreamland--and preferably one that was Rabb-free.  
  
Yesterday morning, Admiral Chegwidden had stunned Mac and Sturgis with the news that Harm would be coming back to JAG. He'd mentioned it in passing, just as off-handedly as he had announced his intention to replace Harm with Carolyn Imes the week before. In order to keep up the façade that nothing Harmon Rabb did could affect her anymore, she'd pushed any concerns about his imminent return to the back of her mind. at least until her subconscious decided to have a field day while she slept.  
  
Finally giving up on the prospect of falling back to sleep, Mac pushed the covers back and sat up. She hated that Harmon Rabb was influencing her like this, even in his absence, and it made her even more pissed off that he was completely oblivious to the fact. How many times had she repeated to herself and others that this was not high school when the subject of Harm came up? Normal teenagers, not hard-working adults, were the ones preoccupied with their exaggerated crushes and heart-wrenching rejections.  
  
She stopped at the entry to the kitchen as a thought occurred to her: since neither she nor Harm had lived a typical high school student's life, maybe they were doomed to go through that phase, however delayed it may be in its coming. It was an interesting theory anyway.  
  
Now standing in front of her coffee maker, she tried to remember exactly what her dream had been about as she prepared the machine to brew her first dose of caffeine for the day. She remembered that she and Harm were at JAG, and they were arguing in the middle of the bullpen with all of their coworkers watching. While the liquid began brewing, she fought to remember anything more specific as the smell of fresh coffee further awakened her.  
  
With a sigh, she gave up trying to recall anything else. All she knew was the reality of the situation before her--Harm was coming back and they would have to act civilly toward each other, regardless of how either of them felt about the current circumstances.  
  
Sure, and they'd just magically forget everything that had happened in Paraguay and all of the hurtful words they'd exchanged since. She sighed again as she poured her coffee and thought about how much of the angst in the situation she was ultimately responsible for. She'd be realizing that more and more lately as the strain in her friendship with Harm pulled itself to its breaking point.  
  
Mac knew that she needed to try to talk to him one more time before they had to face each other at work. She may not remember any of the words exchanged in her dream, but the emotional impression they had left told her this was something she had to do if she wanted to avoid this dream becoming a reality and creating a scene at JAG Headquarters.  
  
Luckily, she had a light day at work ahead of her to debate how to approach Harm without setting off another heated argument. But that's all the time she had left because he would be back at work the following morning.  
  
2028 EST Harm's Apartment North of Union Station  
  
When Mac got off work, she debated going straight over to Harm's apartment, but decided she'd rather change out of her uniform first. Once out of uniform, she realized that she needed to finish up some of the paperwork that she brought home before she forgot about it. When she finally filed everything back into her briefcase, her stomach was growling, so she thought she would throw together some dinner before she left. Then she spilled sauce on her jeans, and while she was changing, she discovered the pile of clothes that needed to be ironed beside the laundry basket.  
  
She knew she was procrastinating, but she was dreading this exact moment. She knew after agonizing over the entire debacle all day that she had the most fault in this whole mess, but she wasn't good at asking for anyone's forgiveness. With the way Harm had been acting lately, she didn't know if a heartfelt apology would even begin placate his bruised pride.  
  
Mac knocked on the door and waited for him to come answer it. His reaction when he saw her on the other side would help her decide how to best proceed.  
  
He didn't answer, so she knocked again, louder this time. Still nothing.  
  
She pulled her cell phone out of her purse and dialed, listening to it ring through the earpiece a split second before his phone rang on the other side of the door. She didn't drive all the way out here just to turn around if he just hadn't heard her knock. Right before the machine picked up, she pressed 'end,' sighing in frustration.  
  
He wasn't home. What was she going to do now? It was late enough right now, thanks to her procrastination, and both of them had to be at work in the morning. A late night exchange of words between two tired adults who were already wary of each other could lead to nothing but disaster if she waited around for him.  
  
She must have stared at the door for ten minutes before she finally pulled his spare key from the bottom of her purse. The apartment was dark as she pushed the door open, and she paused as she turned on a light and waited for her eyes to adjust.  
  
Now that she was inside, she didn't really want to get caught intruding if he came back early and didn't want her there. She made her way over to his desk and pulled out one of the blank legal pads he kept there. Taking a seat on one of the kitchen barstools, she started writing.  
  
'Harm--I know I should have said this a long time ago, but thank you for coming to my rescue. I owe you my life yet again. I won't make any excuses for how I've treated you since then; I'll just say I'm sorry.'  
  
She re-read the double-spaced lines she'd written, found them acceptable, then added a few more.  
  
'I've missed my best friend. It will be good to have you back at work.'  
  
Mac studied what she'd written, and then finally satisfied that it summed up everything that she needed to say, she signed it "Mac." This had been easier than she'd thought, but mostly because Harm wasn't there to antagonize a situation where they both needed to tread carefully.  
  
It took her a little longer to decide where to leave the note so Harm would be sure to see it that night. Finally, she decided to leave the legal pad propped on his pillow. She clicked on the bedside lamp and stood back, reading the note one last time.  
  
She clicked off the light in the main room as she stood in the doorway and looked back toward the lonely light she'd left on in the bedroom. Wherever Harm had gone, he didn't need to come back to a dark apartment, regardless of whether or not her visit had done any good otherwise. She'd find out at work tomorrow whether or not a few sincere words could possibly begin to repair everything she'd undone when she'd ignored Harm's plea for her to turn down the assignment that had changed their lives.  
  
******  
  
Written November 12-14, 2003 


	8. Soothing the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: the end of "Close Quarters" and the beginning of "Posse Comitatus" Summary: How will Harm react to the olive branch Mac offered him at the end "Placating the Shifting Sands?" This fits in perfectly at the beginning of "Posse Comitatus." Note: This comes after "Following (et al) the Shifting Sands." I may start pulling everything together to come to some sort of conclusion since the season is starting to look better and therefore leaves me with little to angst about. Thank you for taking time to read and review my humble additions to the episodes of season nine!  
  
******  
  
0758 EST JAG Headquarters Falls Church, Virginia  
  
Harm let out a giant yawn as he stretched his arms over his head, leaning back in his chair in the process. His briefcase was propped open on one of the remaining boxes next to his desk, and there was an assortment of files taunting him with the drudgery of unfinished paperwork that lay ahead of him.  
  
Despite the fact that he was on his third cup of coffee that morning, he was still tired after the all-nighters he'd pulled to catch up on the Imes cases. But he had signed off on the last of them last night, and today was Friday. He'd catch up on his sleep over the weekend.  
  
Harm started a mental list of everything he needed to accomplish that day in order to get out of the office early without incurring the wrath of Admiral Chegwidden. He was finally back on his CO's good side after they'd come an understanding as to how Harm should act in the office. Finishing up his Imes cases in record time would just give him bonus points.  
  
He thought back to that conversation in the admiral's office where he'd ventured to ask for clarification as to whether he needed to prove himself or be himself. After Chegwidden's "Do what you do" concession, Harm had risked getting his six chewed out when he'd pointed out the mountain of work he'd been buried under since his return. Luckily, the fallout had been positive. Actually, it had been downright amusing. It would be a while before he would forget the look on Mac's face when the admiral told him to pass her the Singer/Imes cases.  
  
Mac. She was the reason he'd left JAG and floundered outside the military for months, only to take up residence in the admiral's dog house upon returning. But he had to admit that having the smelly closet office and a two-star on his case was better than unemployment. And Mac had seemingly accepted him back at the office, humoring him and his never-ending attempts to save the world, one misguided veteran at a time.  
  
Mostly, Harm was relieved that he and Mac seemed to have gotten all of the harsh words out of their way before his return. And then there was the apology he'd found on his pillow the night before he was to report back to work. Without thinking, he grabbed his wallet out of his briefcase. From behind the black and white photo of him and his father on the Ticonderoga, he pulled out a neatly folded piece of yellow paper. Carefully, he opened the page and re-read its contents.  
  
'Harm--I know I should have said this a long time ago, but thank you for coming to my rescue. I owe you my life yet again. I won't make any excuses for how I've treated you since then; I'll just say I'm sorry.  
  
I've missed my best friend. It will be good to have you back at work.'  
  
The night she'd left the note scribbled on a legal pad, he'd been out making sure that Mattie would be taken care of until he could escape from work to check on her again. He had been puzzled to find the light on in his room when he arrived home, but that had quickly changed to surprise when he found the message from Mac. He hadn't realized until he read those words that the main reason he'd been angry with her was because she never gave him any sort of acknowledgement that she appreciated all he'd done to come to her rescue, as a friend or otherwise. This admission, coupled with an apology, had instantly soothed something inside of Harm. He couldn't explain exactly why he had put the note in his wallet for safe-keeping, but it had something to do with reminding himself that he hadn't lost Sarah MacKenzie quite yet.  
  
Fingering the edge of the paper, Harm thought about a few things that he'd said to her in the past five months that he should probably apologize for, too, but so far he hadn't come up with a surefire way to do so and maintain the nice working relationship they were reestablishing.  
  
"Knock, knock, Navy."  
  
Harm was startled by the Marine occupying his thoughts appearing suddenly in his doorway. It was too late to return the note to its proper place without her noticing, so he set it face down on his desk with as much nonchalance as he could muster without making it look like she had caught him doing something taboo. He just hoped that she couldn't recognize the back of her note with it lying in plain view.  
  
"The dead animal smell is gone, so it's safe to enter," he told her with a wry smile.  
  
"I'll take your word for it," she said as she made no move from her position on the far side of the half-opened door. "I'm on my way to the admiral's office. He wants to see you, too."  
  
"I'll be there in a minute."  
  
"Make sure it's not any longer than a minute. You're just starting to get worthwhile cases again," she teased.  
  
"I'll make sure to beat the tardy bell to the admiral's office, Ms. MacKenzie. I don't want to end up with detention on a Friday afternoon," he mocked. He had written proof that she'd missed him, and he had to admit that he'd missed bantering with his best friend, too.  
  
Mac rolled her eyes with a smile. "Hope you studied up on the Posse Comitatus. Wouldn't want you to fail our pop quiz this morning," she threw back as she pulled the door partially closed behind her.  
  
Harm thought about shouting after her that it wasn't a pop quiz if they knew about it in advance, but the sound of her heels clicking down the hall had already faded. He quickly folded up the yellow paper and returned it to its home in his wallet. Chugging down a few last gulps of tepid coffee, he made his way to the door, once again following the colonel to find out what fate would toss their way.  
  
******  
  
Written 25 November 2003 


	9. Humoring the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: "The Boast" with bits of "Yeah, Baby" and "Jag-A-Thon" Summary: It's Harm and Mac banter with some reminiscing (and a little bit of angst) for good measure. This fits in at the beginning of "The Boast" after Chegwidden meets with the SecNav, but before he and Harm leave for the ball game. Note: This comes after "Following (et al) the Shifting Sands." The first eight chapters are essential if you want to understand this one! Flashbacks abound as I try to bring the series to a close in time for Christmas so that I can work on some of my other fan fiction ideas.  
  
******  
  
1607 EST JAG Headquarters Falls Church, Virginia  
  
Mac heard a strange rattling noise and looked up to see Harm standing in the doorway shaking a plastic bottle. "I heard you were looking for some aspirin."  
  
"I send Coates to find me something to relieve my headache, and she sends the walking headache himself," she shook her head as she reached across her desk to grab the bottle Harm was holding out her.  
  
Despite the fact that she hadn't thanked him, Harm said, "You're welcome. And I'm not your headache--I'm the admiral's headache." She gave him a dirty look at his cocky response, so he grudgingly amended, "Okay, so sometimes I'm your headache, too. But I won't be tomorrow!"  
  
As she chased two aspirin with some lukewarm coffee, she could see him beaming like a little kid at Christmastime as he thought about the outing he and Chegwidden had planned for the next day. Clunking the mug back onto her desk, she vented, "Why is it you're the person that's supposed to be in the JAG doghouse, but you're going to a baseball game with the admiral? And I'm the one stuck here with a monster headache and a huge PR nightmare to investigate."  
  
Harm knew if she was admitting that she had a headache, she had to be feeling pretty miserable, but since she hadn't ordered him to leave yet, he went ahead and answered her question. "I guess he figures he overcompensated a little with keeping me out of JAG and then burying me when I returned. Now he wants to get back on my good side so I'm my best behavior and don't make him go through as much aspirin as you do."  
  
"You are so full of yourself!" she exclaimed. It was difficult to keep a straight face while bantering with a grown man wearing a childlike grin, so she looked down at the file currently open on her desk and tried to sound annoyed with him, "The admiral should have left you crop dusting for the rest of your life."  
  
He didn't reply, but he didn't leave her office either. Mac finally dared to look up and was greeted by the sight of a smirking squid. She couldn't stop her mouth from twisting up as she tried not to smile. She gave up and acquiesced, "Okay, fine. You're right. Happy?"  
  
He just flashed her his patented flyboy grin and asked, "Did you miss these arguments as much as I did?"  
  
"They're a lot nicer than the arguments we had while you weren't working at JAG," she replied after a moment, thinking about some of the things that had been said during that time, especially after the CIA fired him.  
  
*Flashback: Aggravating the Shifting Sands*  
  
'Catherine and I aren't really married, and she isn't carrying my child. But she has been there for me these past five months when I've needed a friendly ear.'  
  
'So now that you discovered that you like playing house with CIA Barbie, you want to make it a permanent situation?' Mac couldn't help but retort.  
  
Harm's reaction was positively hostile. 'Excuse me, little Miss Sanctimonious. You waltz in here, tell me that you're available again, hint that you've changed your mind about me, and you expect me to drop everything for you? I tried giving up everything for you once already, and you threw it back in my face. I'll tell you why we'll never work, Mac--you never compromise. It's your way, or the highway, and I pity any man who has to conform to your standards. My life may be falling apart around me, but at least I know which friends I can depend on, and you're not one of them anymore.'  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
Harm remembered recalled some of the words they had exchanged as well. His mood instantly sobered from his earlier joviality. He had been waiting for an opening like this so that he could apologize, so he sucked up his pride and said, "I'm sorry. I said a lot of things that were out of line."  
  
Her serious expression matched his. "I accept your apology, though I hate admit that you were usually provoked. You weren't the only one out of line."  
  
They both thought of the message she had left in his apartment to apologize for everything in order to smooth things over before his return. "I got your note, and I accept your apology, too. And you're welcome. I meant it when I told you that I would do the exact same thing if I had it to do over again."  
  
*Flashback: Following the Shifting Sands*  
  
'So you're mad at me? I didn't ask you to give up your career so that you could come play hero and rescue me.'  
  
He didn't flinch at her onslaught. 'I never said that. All I said was that I'm starting to see everything I gave up to come after you. And despite all that, I would do it again.'  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
Mac beamed, genuinely happy that he didn't regret saving her life after all was said and done. Not that she could doubt his loyalty after all of the years they'd been together through thick and thin. "I think that no matter what we say or do, we'll always be there for each other in the end."  
  
*Flashback: Resisting the Shifting Sands*  
  
'I owed you, as you reminded me at your engagement party. You came after me in Russia to watch my six. Twice. I needed to repay the debt.'  
  
She smiled as she found a loophole in his statement. 'But I did that with the Admiral's permission.'  
  
He was just as quick to tie up that loophole for her. 'And if he had denied you permission, would you have sat on your hands while I went off alone into the great unknown? Could you have gone on doing your job, waiting to see whether I came back or not?'  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
"Yeah, it's one of those laws of nature. We have to watch each other's sixes or the universe as we know it will cease to exist." Harm was smiling again, too.  
  
"So we're friends again?" she asked hopefully. They had been friendly around the office the past few weeks since he'd been back, but hearing it from his mouth would make it seem all the more certain.  
  
Harm paused a moment before answering, "If that's what you would call our extremely complicated relationship."  
  
It wasn't the resounding affirmation she was looking for, but it was a start. She managed to mask any disappointment as she verbally rationalized, "I think it's in everyone's best interest that we leave it defined as friendship for now. We've got too much emotional baggage for our own good, and this definitely isn't the best time or place to start unpacking."  
  
Mac had a pretty good idea what had made him hesitate. She probably would have, too, if positions were reversed. He had to be thinking about the confession he'd made to her while Clay was still in the hospital. Neither of them could forget it, but neither would they bring it up again with their newly defined friendship balancing on precarious ground.  
  
*Flashback: Following the Shifting Sands*  
  
'I can't promise you that this will be easy or there won't be times when we want to kill each other, but I'm willing to try if you are.'  
  
'I don't know if I can do what you're asking,' she whispered back.  
  
After giving up everything else for her, he hesitated only a moment before risking his last shred of dignity with the response, "Not even to give love a chance?"  
  
Her breath caught in her throat as she backed up a step. Her reply was barely audible, 'Now you're telling me that you're in love with me?'  
  
'I told you once that you have someone who will always love you. I thought you knew that it was me.'  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
Despite her bravado, he knew that he hadn't given her the reply she'd been hoping for. "One of these days we'll figure everything out," he reassured her.  
  
"When?"  
  
With a wry smile, he answered, "When it happens."  
  
She recognized her words from one of the more antagonistic periods between them after she had returned from the Guadalcanal. "So it will happen?" she had to ask, if only to convince herself that he wasn't just spouting words to make her feel better.  
  
"Eventually," he shrugged.  
  
She took a risk with her next question. "You promise?"  
  
He sucked in his breath, realizing that she'd backed him into a corner with her loaded question. An image of a handshake shared in front of headquarters four-and-a-half years earlier came to mind, along with an admission to his copilot during his time with the CIA.  
  
*Flashback: Contemplating the Shifting Sands*  
  
Harm's voice was full of regret as he thought aloud, "I want kids of my own, but I just don't think it's going to happen anymore."  
  
"The right woman got away?" Beth asked with a knowing smile.  
  
He looked at his co-pilot, realizing that she had already figured him out despite his efforts to keep Sarah MacKenzie from affecting his new life. His response, though, was only a vague, 'Something like that.'  
  
*End Flashback*  
  
Harm met her eyes and forced himself to say the words rather than retreating behind a joke. "I promise."  
  
Seeing her beaming reaction was well worth all of the emotional upheaval that making that promise had caused in a few short seconds. Her rehearsed reply was lighthearted, "Don't make a promise you don't intend to keep."  
  
He picked up on his cue, "I haven't yet."  
  
"Thanks for the aspirin," she said, tossing him the bottle. "Now get lost so I can get some work done."  
  
"Yes, ma'am," he replied, moving toward the door at her informal dismissal.  
  
"Oh, and Harm?"  
  
"Yeah?" he asked as he turned back to her.  
  
"Have fun at the game," she said sincerely, but then her smile betrayed her not-so-sincere intentions, "I have to confess that my money's on the Corps, though."  
  
"It's your paycheck, but the fact of the matter is that those jarheads are going to get creamed... and I'll be there to see it," he smirked at the inferred 'and you won't be' before quickly retreating from her office before she could kick him out.  
  
They had survived another encounter, but this time things were starting to resurface that they'd been trying to keep at bay. Both realized that their 'eventually' was probably numbered in weeks, if not days, and the only thing they could do about it was try to keep it out of the office when it finally came.  
  
******  
  
Written 29 November 2003 


	10. Deciphering the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: "Pulse Rate," any other episode that Mattie has been in may be helpful; Summary: Mattie tries to figure out where she fits in with the shifting sands of Harm's life. AN: I'm sorry for the delay between chapters, but I had spoken and written final exams to grade. "Pulse Rate" didn't do anything to inspire me, so I've been struggling against writer's block. It finally dawned on me that Mattie has not come up yet in any of my stories. I really like her character because I think she's good for Harm. This episode is all hers.  
  
******  
  
2012 EST Grace Residence Blacksburg, Virginia  
  
"Harm?"  
  
The only response from the opposite side of the dining room table was the clink of metal against ceramic as the brooding Navy Commander absently scooped food from his plate to his mouth.  
  
"Harm?" Mattie queried again, slightly louder. For his part, Harm continued eating as if she hadn't spoken. Impatiently, Mattie pounded the table with her fist as she tried a third time to capture his attention. "Harm?"  
  
He looked startled as the table suddenly jumped under his plate. Mattie had a hard time smothering her laughter behind her napkin at the expression on his face.  
  
Finally realizing that his companion was trying to talk to him, Harm glanced up, shaking the remnants of the dilemma he'd been puzzling over out of his mind for a moment so he could focus on the person in front of him. "Mattie, I'm sorry. I've got a lot on my mind."  
  
"I noticed," she said dryly. "You've been kind of distant tonight. What's bugging you?"  
  
"Nothing."  
  
Mattie looked at him skeptically as she stood and cleared her place setting. "It's not 'nothing' if it took me shaking the table to get your attention, Harm," she chided.  
  
"Okay, let's put it this way, it's nothing you need to worry about," he informed her as followed her into the kitchen with his dinner remnants. The teenager moved over as he joined her at the sink so that he could rinse off his plate. She noticed that not only was he conversationally disinclined during the meal, but his appetite was suffering as well if the half of his homemade dinner that ended up going down the garbage disposal was any evidence.  
  
"Is it a case?" she asked as she took his plate and set it in the dishwasher. "And that's why you can't talk about it?"  
  
"Not really."  
  
She closed the dishwasher and looked up at her ad hoc guardian, trying to put a finger on whatever had put him into such a funk. "Is the old bald guy being mean to you again?"  
  
Mattie had hoped for more of a smile than he actually gave her when he replied, "No, the admiral and I are getting along fine. Don't you have homework to do?"  
  
"I finished it while you were making dinner," she said as she followed him out of the kitchen, "Is your friend still going through his crisis of faith?" She wasn't going to let him sulk in silence, so she continued her interrogation. Harm plopped down on the sofa, so Mattie made herself comfortable sitting cross-legged on the coffee table in front of him.  
  
"Last time I talked to him, he was still trying to get through it, but he's been working out of the office a lot lately. You know, you really shouldn't sit on the furniture," he tried to distract her again when he realized that she wasn't going to leave him alone with his thoughts.  
  
"You're sitting on the furniture," she pointed out.  
  
"But this furniture is meant to be sat on," he said reasonably, sitting up and leaning forward so he was face to face with the fourteen-year-old.  
  
"And it's my house, my furniture, end of discussion," she said cheekily. Before he could get in another comment to reprimand her insubordination and further divert the conversation, she got back to the topic that had prompted all of the diversions in the first place. "So if it's not the admiral, and it's not Sturgis, it must be that ungrateful Marine who has been the catalyst of all of your personal and professional upheavals recently."  
  
Harm gave her a strange look. "What's with all of the big words? Have you been reading the dictionary?"  
  
"Close. I had to study for a vocabulary quiz in language arts tomorrow morning," she temporarily forgot her mission and allowed him to distract her, but she quickly realized what had been done and reclaimed her control over the discussion. "So what happened with Mac? I thought that you were finally getting along."  
  
"Mattie, you already know way too much about my personal life," he sighed as he leaned back against the couch cushions and covered his face with his hands.  
  
The young girl vacated her perch on the coffee table to sit next to her self-appointed protector on the couch. She met his gaze as he pulled his hands away from his face. "You know everything about my life," she quietly reminded him.  
  
She could tell that her statement had made him feel guilty for holding this back from her. "Mattie, it's not that I want to keep it from you, it's just that everything with me and Mac is so messed up that I don't want you caught up in any of it."  
  
"I already am," she pointed out. "If you hadn't quit your job to save her life, you would never have been forced to leave JAG and ended up working for me. But you did, and here we are."  
  
Harm just stared at his pseudo-ward because she had made a legitimate point. Since that short time that he'd been an employee of Grace Aviation, Mattie had shared everything with him about how her life had turned upside down, and he had repaid that trust with his own story of how he ended up dusting crops (minus the confidential details he was bound to withhold). Now they shared just about everything that happened in their daily lives, or used the other as a sounding board while they vented.  
  
"Okay, you win," he told her as he put his arm around her. She leaned back into the embrace and waited for him to tell her what was on his mind.  
  
"I wasn't thinking, and I said something I shouldn't have to Mac today," he confessed, "and I said it in front of an entire courtroom full of people."  
  
"And they all heard you?"  
  
"Well, let me put it this way--enough people heard me to earn me death- glares from Mac and a serious six-chewing from the judge," Harm cringed as he remembered being in the crosshairs of both parties' anger.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
Harm looked almost sheepish as he admitted, "My client passed out and saved my sorry six for the moment."  
  
"Is he okay?"  
  
"Yeah, now he is," Harm paused before getting back to the original subject-- this time without any prompting from Mattie. "I knew the second the words were out of my mouth that I shouldn't have said them, and I wanted to take them back, but it was too late. I really need to practice thinking more before I speak sometimes."  
  
"What did you say that could have been so bad? Did you call her something obscene?" Mattie wondered aloud when she failed to come up with a plausible scenario on her own. Under her breath, she muttered, "She probably deserved it after everything she's put you through."  
  
"It doesn't really matter what I said, and she didn't deserve to be embarrassed in front of everyone like that," Harm said as he studied the pattern on the armrest of the couch. "I've just been annoyed with her attitude since she made her opinion known about this case, and I'm not even really sure why. This afternoon, I slipped up and said the first hurtful thing that came to mind when I should have kept my comments to myself."  
  
"Did you apologize?"  
  
"Yes, but I still feel horrible about the whole thing."  
  
Mattie watched the emotions play across his face as she waited patiently for him to continue. Sometimes she was still amazed at how close their relationship was after only a few short months, but she had come to the conclusion that he reminded her of his mother, mostly because of his patience with her and his concern for her well-being. She'd caught herself wishing that her mother had married someone more like Harmon Rabb, and that was the reason she could rest comfortably leaning against his chest like she had with her mother.  
  
When Harm didn't say anything for a few minutes, she looked up at him. "Harm?"  
  
"Hmm?" she smiled when she got an immediate reply, even though he was still engrossed with the upholstery of the arm rest.  
  
She cautiously ventured her opinion on his present situation. "Don't take this the wrong way, but you let Mac get to you way too much. She told you where things stood, and I know you weren't happy with the way things ended up, but if she told you point blank that it would never happen, don't you think you need to get over her?"  
  
"Easier said than done, kiddo," he squeezed her shoulder and smiled sadly down at her.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Because I'm in love with her."  
  
Mattie smiled. "I already knew that, but that's the first time you've actually said it."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"At least to my knowledge," she affirmed. "I know you tried telling her through your actions, but she chose not to understand. And I know that you've been hopeful that maybe she's changed her mind now that you're back at JAG, especially since you both promised to talk. Would it hurt so much to tell her what you just told me, even if it just confirms that there is no way for it to work?"  
  
"Mac and I did say that we would talk, but I'm not walking willingly into another rejection." He anticipated Mattie's next question as to how he knew Mac would reject him, and continued in a hurt tone as he looked away, "She's seeing Clay again."  
  
"That was the guy you rescued with her, right?" Mattie asked for clarification.  
  
"That's him," he confirmed blandly.  
  
Mattie's heart went out to Harm, but if Mac had upped the timetable for their 'talk' and made it perfectly clear that she was more interested in this other guy, then Harm just needed to suck it up. If, on the other hand, Mac was just playing with his heart, then Mattie could think of a few choice words to say to Colonel MacKenzie that would probably top whatever Harm had blurted out in the courtroom. In the meantime, she asked Harm another question to gain a little more insight to the present predicament, "She told you she was seeing him?"  
  
"Not directly," he sighed, "but when you called me this afternoon, she had just turned down my dinner invitation because she had made plans with him."  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"It's okay. I guess I just need to take some advice I've been offered and get over her," he gave her a weak smile as he helped her up from the couch. "Why don't you go get ready for bed, and I'll clean up in the kitchen. We can watch some TV before I leave and you head off to dreamland."  
  
"Okay," she acquiesced, not bothering to begin a battle over bedtime for the time being.  
  
"And Mattie?" She turned around with her hand on the banister of the staircase. "Thank you for listening to me. I'm lucky to have you in my life."  
  
"I thought it was the other way around," she smiled back at him.  
  
He approached her at the foot of the stairs and looked down at this teenager who had just appeared in his life one day and would continue to affect him for the rest of his days if he had any say in the matter. "I guess we both needed someone who cared unconditionally. You couldn't have come into my life at a better time."  
  
She studied his face as she turned his words over in her head. Finally, she asked, "Is that why you're doing this?"  
  
Harm gave her a blank look. "Is what why I'm doing this?"  
  
"Mac wouldn't let you take care of her, but I need someone to take care of me."  
  
The seconds ticked by as Harm considered the validity of what she had just said. "If I'm honest with myself, I suppose it does a little," he admitted. "A better reason is I've always wanted to be the father-figure to somebody. But I was never able to be a permanent fixture in the life of any child in the end for one reason or another, with the notable exception of my godson, but that's different. And it's different with you."  
  
"We haven't been to court yet," Mattie stated, hating to play the pessimist, but unable to silence the voice inside her head that said that all of her good fortune was just too good to be true.  
  
"Don't be thinking like that, Matilda Grace. I am going to do whatever I have to do in order to make sure you and I are a family. Never lose faith in that."  
  
She unexpectedly hugged him. "You're the best," he heard her say, her voice muffled by his shirt.  
  
After a few second of surprised shock, he hugged her back. "I don't know about that, Mattie, but for you, I'll try to be."  
  
******  
  
Written December 5 - 26, 2003 


	11. Enduring the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: "A Merry Little Christmas", "Pulse Rate" Summary: Harm reacts to Mac's unexpected appearances. AN: I don't have a good excuse for taking so long this time. Before reading this one, I recommend glancing over "Placating" and "Soothing the Shifting Sands" to refresh your memory. This will be my last episode reaction piece before the epilogue to end this series.  
  
******  
  
1325 EST Montgomery Juvenile and Domestic Relations Courtroom Christianburg, Virginia  
  
"Your Honor, there's a character witness who would like to be heard," the door guard stated, "A Lieutenant Colonel MacKenzie." Harm could have sworn his heart dropped down to his feet as he turned to confirm that his ears hadn't been mistaken. He was already worked up enough about Mattie's guardianship hearing, and now Mac was here, and he didn't know whether or not they were on good terms after his fed-up 'It's too important for you to screw up' remark at their last parting.  
  
As he took in the wary look on Mac's face that matched his own, he couldn't help but jump to the conclusion that Mac was here to once again rob his life of something precious that he had grown to love, even if he couldn't say the words to express those sentiments. In his mind, he heard the judge politely telling him, 'I'm sorry, but you cannot take care of this young lady, no matter what you promised her.' The foreboding scene had been playing out repeatedly in hundreds of different variations in the back of his mind, nagging him that this would never work no matter how hard he fought for it. Mac denouncing him to the court had occurred to him, but he had dismissed that as one of the more far-fetched scenarios.  
  
His mind suddenly refocused when he realized that Mac was now an arms- length away, and she was speaking to the judge.  
  
"What is your opinion of his suitability as a guardian for Mattie Grace?" the judge asked.  
  
"Highly suitable, Your Honor," Mac answered, keeping the judge at the center of her attention. Harm masked his surprise outwardly at this unexpected turn of events. Inwardly, he was reeling, trying to process the fact that Mac was on his side in this after all.  
  
"On what do you base that opinion, Colonel?"  
  
Harm was curious to hear her answer to this question, too. What had caused Mac to put aside the obvious resentment she'd developed against him and come here to support him today?  
  
Mac quickly glanced at him before she turned back to the judge to reply in full-lawyer mode. "Your Honor, I have seen the Commander put his own life at risk to protect the son of a fellow aviator who was killed in the line of duty. The Commander has always taken a personal interest in cases involving children, Your Honor. He's taken a child witness into his home and pulled strings to get medical attention for a traumatized little girl after he made it his personal quest to solve that little girl's sister's murder."  
  
Memories of Josh and Darlynn flashed through Harm's mind. He knew that Mac realized the effect her words were having on him when she again glanced back as she finished her testimony. It was scary that they could still have their moments when they were so in sync with each other, despite the fact that they had been so hurtful to each other over the past year.  
  
"That does speak well of the Commander," the judge agreed. "What else can you give me?"  
  
Harm was probably the only one who knew Mac's body language well enough to realize she was nervous about what she was going to say next. Unbidden, his fears of her denouncing him to the court resurfaced.  
  
"I've given a lot of thought to the kind of man that I would want to be the father of my children if I ever." Mac trailed off. Harm silently willed Mac to look his way so that he could try to figure out where she was going with this. She took a deep breath and started again, "Commander Rabb is that kind of man, Your Honor. I can't prove it to you; I can only state without reservation that he is up to the job."  
  
"Thank you, Colonel."  
  
The only coherent thought Harm could put together was 'Where did that come from?' as his eyes followed his colleague to her seat. She turned her head in his direction once or twice, but seemed to be avoiding eye contact for the time being. But she was staying--that was a good sign.  
  
"You both make compelling cases for custody," the judge began, pulling Harm's attention back to the matter at hand. She turned her head to address Mattie's father. "Mr. Johnson, while you do share biology and a history with Mattie, it will be very difficult for you to continue with your recovery while caring for a minor child."  
  
In Harm's heart, he felt a small flicker of hope as the judge turned to him. "Commander Rabb, your lack of experience with children combined with your professional responsibilities makes you equally questionable in my mind as a suitable guardian. I need to take this matter under submission to determine what is in Mattie's best interest."  
  
As quickly as the hope was conjured up, it was extinguished. The judge was now speaking to Mattie about foster care. Harm felt his heart breaking as he watched Mattie's face crumble. He looked back to Mac, needing to find some reassurance as his worst case scenario played itself out. Her look of sympathy gave him the strength he needed to mask his own pain and turn back to Mattie, taking her hand as the judge informed her that she would not be allowed to go home.  
  
"Social Services will find an appropriate temporary foster family for you to stay with until I can sort through these issues. You do understand that you will be back in six months to hear my final decision." It was a statement, not a question, making her decision final.  
  
Harm listened to the words of the judge and squeezed Mattie's hand. This was killing him, but Mattie was the one who was having her world turned completely upside down. As soon as the judge left the courtroom, Mattie pulled her hand away and moved to a bench at the far side of the room. Behind him, Harm heard the scrape of a wooden chair against the courtroom floor as her father stood. Without a word to anyone, Thomas Johnson shuffled to the door.  
  
Harm stood as the door clicked shut. He knew that Mac was watching him, though he was trying to ignore her presence for the moment. Gripping the edge of the table, Harm watched Mattie as they both dealt in their own way with the emotions brought up by the experiences of that afternoon.  
  
"I'm sorry I snapped at you," he finally broke the silence, knowing that Mac could hear him from where she remained seated. Mattie was in her own world, staring at the wall and bravely blinking back tears.  
  
"I think I needed it."  
  
He was surprised by her response, but he still didn't turn to face her. Mac's footsteps echoed in the empty room as she walked up behind him. Something had caused her to have a change of heart in the last 24 hours, and Harm wasn't exactly sure where that left them, but he acknowledged that she was there with a heartfelt, "Thank you for vouching for me."  
  
"You're welcome. I wish I could have done more." He felt Mac's hand on his shoulder a second before she stepped up beside him and murmured, "I'm sorry the outcome wasn't what you'd hoped for."  
  
"Welcome to the club," he sighed. Her hand squeezed his shoulder before she pulled away. Finally looking back at the woman who couldn't help but be more than a friend to him, he gave a thin smile. This was neither the time nor the place for them to talk about the meaning behind what had been said in the courtroom earlier. They would have that talk eventually. For now, he just wanted to restore some normalcy to the whole situation. "It's nice to have my 'good friend' back... Can you stick around for a little while? Maybe you could have lunch with me and Mattie in the cafeteria since it doesn't seem that we're going to get too much time together. I think the two of you would get along."  
  
Mac gave him a sad smile, telling him that he wasn't going to get a positive response. "I'd love to, but this was my lunch break."  
  
"Some drive for a lunch break," he couldn't help but comment, shaking his head. She certainly was going out of her way for him today, Harm realized as he offered, "Rain check?"  
  
"Okay," she agreed. "I've got to get going now so I can grab something on my way back to work."  
  
They stood awkwardly facing each other for a moment, neither making the first move to distance themselves. Without warning, Harm enveloped her in an impulsive hug, surprising both of them. "Thanks again for being here for me and Mattie today," he whispered as they both pulled back from the embrace. "Drive safely."  
  
He wondered exactly what had motivated him to act on the impulse to reach out to Sarah MacKenzie, but it was too late to rethink his decision. Before she could question the sudden display of affection, he turned toward Mattie and began walking away from the woman who could cause so many upheavals in his life without seeming to be affected by them herself.  
  
2131 EST Vietnam Memorial Washington, D.C.  
  
Harm thought he had heard wrong when Mattie said, "You're my guardian." Then he saw Mac walk up behind the teenager, and realized that she was the one responsible for this. He felt his heart drop down to his feet for the second time that day at her seemingly magical appearance. How could she tell him they would never work, yet she would pull through for him, time and again, doing the unthinkable for the sake of his happiness? He couldn't remember the last time he felt so blessed, yet he couldn't help but be confused by the incongruity between Mac's words and her actions.  
  
"Mac talked to my dad," Mattie explained. "He agreed to step aside so I won't have to go to the foster family."  
  
The entire time the teenager talked, Harm couldn't take his eyes off of Mac. "How did you do that?" he asked, voicing the first coherent question that came to mind.  
  
Mac stepped up beside Mattie. "I convinced him that now that he's stopped drinking he'll have to start dealing with life, and he's not fit to take care of Mattie until he can take care of himself," the Marine told him. Harm realized that in order to get through to the man, Mac would have had to reveal her own struggles with alcoholism. And she did this with a complete stranger, for him. Probably aware that Harm had already put together some of the puzzle pieces of how she had gone about convincing the older gentleman, Mac continued, "Mr. Johnson agreed to a full course of treatment. And if he and pull his life together, and if Mattie wants, then they'll give it a shot."  
  
"Until then, I'm yours," Mattie walked trustingly into his arms to hug him. Harm just continued to stare at Mac, afraid that this all was a dream and giving in to it by hugging the child in his arms would shatter the illusion. Mattie looked up and joked, "You can hug me, you know. I won't break."  
  
This was really happening. At last, Harm allowed his arms to wrap around the young lady, and he felt his heart melting as he looked down at her. He finally had someone who agreed to be a part of his life, who would love him unconditionally.  
  
"Good night," Mac said, backing away from the happy little family. Overwhelmed by all that was happening, Harm had forgotten that she was there for a second.  
  
"Where are you going?" he had to ask. She had made this possible, and now she was leaving?  
  
"I have a... a date with Webb," she managed to explain. Even if he hadn't known this woman for eight years, he would be able to tell that she was going more out of obligation than affection for the other man. But it was her life, and he now had Mattie to take care of. Both officers exchanged resigned looks. They seemed to both realize that they had chosen their paths in life, and they weren't necessarily going in the same direction anymore.  
  
"Merry Christmas," Mac told them both before walking away.  
  
"She doesn't want to go," Mattie's muffled voice stage-whispered to him.  
  
Releasing the teenager from his arms slightly, he backed up a step so he could see her face. "How do you know?"  
  
"She would rather be with you," Mattie stated simply. Harm raised an eyebrow and frowned, but the teenager wouldn't be swayed by his doubts. "Why else would she say what she did in court? And just now, talking to my father and getting him to hand over custody of me to a complete stranger?"  
  
Harm wasn't going to let on that those same thoughts were already running through his head. Instead, he recited the friendship excuse that had been sufficient to define the complicated relationship over the years. "Mac and I are just friends. Sometimes we don't get along, but through thick and thin, we will always be there to support each other."  
  
"She does an awful lot for being just friends, especially after the past year."  
  
He backed away to put his glove back on the hand he'd used to trace his father's name on the memorial wall. "Her happiness means more to me than my own, so I let her make her own decisions and live her own life. In turn, she wants me to be happy, and that means she will help me be there for you."  
  
Mattie just watched her new guardian play with his gloves as she processed what he was saying. Snow drifted past them both as they stood in front of the Wall, like figures in a snow globe.  
  
"I didn't say thank you," Harm broke the silence with the somewhat random statement. Mattie cocked her head and gave him a strange look. "You're right, Mac did an awful lot for me today, maybe more than I deserved, and I don't remember thanking her."  
  
"What are you going to do about it?" she asked curiously.  
  
Harm grinned. "Come with me, and you'll find out." He held out his hand, which Mattie took as she smiled up at him. Hand in hand, the newest non- traditional family in the D.C. area left the memories embodied in the black wall behind as they walked toward the promise of their future together.  
  
2222 EST Mac's apartment Georgetown  
  
Sarah, Thank you for everything you've done for Mattie today. We are both grateful for your help in and out of the courtroom. I can't find words to express what it means to me to know that I have you supporting my decision to do this. Have a very Merry Christmas. I know that Mattie and I will, thanks to you! --Harm  
  
Harm is the first person who has cared about me since my mother died. Thank you for believing in him enough to help me be a part of his life. Love, Mattie  
  
Harm walked up behind his ward as Mattie propped the yellow notepad against the pillows. He wanted to read what she'd added to his thank you note, but she pushed him out of the room instead. "I'll tell you what it says later," she promised, then added an exasperated exclamation of, "Trust me, okay Harm?"  
  
"What if Clay comes back to the apartment with her and sees it?"  
  
"He'll have us reported for breaking and entering," Mattie flippantly told him as she buttoned her coat. Harm gave her a stern look, so she recanted a little. "Don't worry. It doesn't say anything that will embarrass you. And if you want my humble opinion on the matter, I don't think that he'll be seeing her bedroom if he even makes it into the apartment tonight. He'll be lucky to get coffee and a polite boot out the front door."  
  
"Oh, really?" Harm couldn't help but be astonished at the spunk Mattie was showing. "And what do you use as your basis for your extensive knowledge of adult relationships?"  
  
"I was running a business all day for a while. I got my fill of soap operas when it was slow," she shrugged. Now that they were both buttoned up, Harm ushered them out the door, using his spare key to lock Mac's apartment door behind them.  
  
"Mattie, those aren't like real life."  
  
She shoved her hands in her pockets as they walked down the hallway. "And your relationship with Mac isn't like some long, tortured relationship full of angst and unresolved sexual tension dreamt up for the misguided amusement of all of the viewers of your lives, otherwise known as your coworkers?"  
  
"It's not that bad between me and Mac!" he protested as he held the door to the stairs open for Mattie. Only in the back of his mind would he admit that there was probably more than just a modicum of truth in her statement.  
  
"Try again, Harm," her voice echoed up the stairwell. "I've only been a one-sided spectator for a few months to this whole thing. I can just imagine the thoughts of some of the people at JAG who get to see both of you interacting on a regular basis."  
  
He slowly followed her down the cement steps. "It can't be that bad."  
  
"Harm, I love you anyway, even if you're a tad oblivious when it comes to women." She stopped at the bottom of the stairs to wait for him to catch up. "Let's go home now, and we'll see if Mac guards her letter from you as closely as you guard the one she wrote you."  
  
Mattie flashed him a mischievous grin before turning to open the door to the parking deck below the apartment complex. Harm was glad that she had left so quickly because he was certain that his face had turned an interesting shade of pink. Pulling out his wallet, he double-checked to make sure the folded up yellow sheet was still tucked safely away before swapping the leather case for his keys and following Mattie out the door.  
  
******  
  
Written December 26, 2003 - January 10, 2004 


	12. Understanding the Shifting Sands

Spoilers: Anything covered in the previous chapters of the "Shifting Sands" series, plus a few minor ones from the show; Summary: The sands may shift, but Harm and Mac will always be the same two people that end up in the exact same place with each other time and time again; AN: This is my wrap- up to the "Shifting Sands" saga. I hope it was worth the wait for those of you who have been following from the beginning. Thank you to everyone who has taken time to read and review. I started this as a way to vent after watching what TPTB were doing to the show, and I had no idea other people would actually like what I'd written when I posted it. Your reviews have been the highlight of the past few months for me.  
  
******  
  
12 January 2004 2049 EST Interstate 85 - Somewhere between Greenville, SC and Atlanta, GA  
  
"Where are we going?" Mac asked groggily as the slowing momentum of the car roused her. She'd been drifting in and out of sleep during the past hour of the drive, lulled by the silence in the vehicle and the soothing vibrations it made as they sped down the interstate toward their new priority case in Pensacola.  
  
"We need gas," Harm replied as he turned the car off of the exit ramp in the direction of a brightly-lit gas station. Mac stretched her arms and yawned as she watched the moving lights outside of her window.  
  
Less than a minute later, they were pulling up next to a pump. Without turning to his companion, Harm asked, "Could you reach into the back and grab my wallet out of my briefcase?"  
  
Mac obligingly turned in her seat to find the requested object while Harm pulled the keys out of the ignition and unbuckled his seatbelt. They had tried small talk at the beginning of the trip, but had soon settled into a tolerable silence. A lot had changed in their lives because of Mattie's guardianship hearing, but neither was really ready to talk about what it meant, so they quickly ran out of things to talk about. Harm took his wallet from Mac's hand and slipped out of the car. She watched him with a bored interest as she unconsciously snuggled into the back of her seat to ward off the coolness that was invading the warm interior from the open driver's door.  
  
As soon as his credit card was authorized, Harm slipped it back into his wallet, then leaned inside the open door and tossed her the worn leather case. "Could you put this back for me?" he flashed a smile of thanks as he snagged his cell phone out of the cup holder. Slamming the door, Harm got the car hooked up to the pump and started talking on his cell phone. "Hey, Mattie... I'm pumping gas. How about you? Did you finish all of your homework?"  
  
Mac tuned out her partner's one-sided conversation and looked down at the wallet still in her hands. Something caught her eye as she went to slide it back into his briefcase. Behind the front photo (which she knew was the picture of Harm with his father) was something fat and yellow. Without thinking, she started to open the wallet, but stopped the moment she realized what she was doing. The back of her brain was tingling as she forced herself to put the wallet back where it belonged--something on a sheet of yellow legal paper was important enough to be in Harm's wallet with his most treasured childhood picture. Could it be...?  
  
"What are you guarding behind the picture of you and your dad in your wallet?" Mac asked without preamble as soon as they were back on the road.  
  
Harm hesitated a second before answering as he merged into interstate traffic. In order for her to ask the question, she either had to know for sure or have a sneaking suspicion what was in there. He figured honesty with a bit of humor would be his easiest way out this time around. "The only tangible proof I'll ever have of an apology from a certain Marine officer."  
  
"Anyone I know?" she asked cheekily, trying to fight the grin that was creeping onto her face with the confirmation of the mystery paper's origin.  
  
"Probably not, since you keep company primarily with squids and spooks, not jarheads," he glanced over at her and shook his head. "Why were you going through my wallet anyway?"  
  
"I wasn't going through your wallet; you asked me to put it away," she said matter-of-factly. "A folded up piece of paper was kind of hard to miss with how fat it was making your wallet. I didn't go snooping to see if it was my note, but I did get you to admit that it was."  
  
"Congratulations, counselor. May I step down from the stand now?" he said mockingly.  
  
"I have one more question for this witness, if the court will indulge me," she said in her best suck-up lawyer voice. She curiously tilted her head as she asked, "Why is it in your wallet?"  
  
Harm didn't make a sound for four and a half minutes. Mac had resigned herself to the silent continuation of their journey when he quietly answered, "I doubt you would understand why I carry it, but it meant a lot to me because it validated everything I put on the line in order to bring you home safely. Just call me sentimental, I guess."  
  
She thoughtfully studied his profile as he stared straight ahead at the road. After a few minutes of contemplation, Mac turned and pulled her briefcase from the back seat. Her movement caught Harm's attention, and he kept glancing over as she pulled out her planner and unzipped the leather case. She flipped to a zipper pouch in the back and drew out a small stack of pictures and papers. Sorting through the various-sized sheets, she held up a leaf of yellow legal paper folded into quarters.  
  
"Is that's the one from me?" he couldn't help but be surprised.  
  
"From you and Mattie, yes," she admitted, unfolding the note in her lap. "I keep some of my 'sentimental' reminders in here..." she emphasized the word he had used, "...birth announcements for AJ and Jimmy, notes from Chloe, that sort of thing... it just seemed right to add this."  
  
Harm switched lanes to pass a slow-moving minivan, then turned his attention back to the woman in the passenger seat. "Um, this may sound like a strange request, but could you tell me what Mattie wrote? She wouldn't let me see," he confessed somewhat sheepishly.  
  
Mac snorted in amusement. "The high and mighty Commander Rabb being ordered around by a teenage girl--this I need to see."  
  
"I'm sure you'll get your chance," he responded dryly. "Now will you please tell me what she wrote?"  
  
Mac looked back down at the paper in her lap and became serious again. "'Harm is the first person who has cared about me since my mother died,'" she read. "'Thank you for believing in him enough to help me be a part of his life. Love, Mattie.'"  
  
Harm didn't know what to say to express the emotions that were stirred up by this simple heartfelt message, so he concentrated on the road and while trying to rid himself of the lump in his throat.  
  
Mac refolded the letter and returned it to the pouch with the other assorted memories. "I wish I had someone like you in my life when I was her age," she voiced the thought she had every time she read what the teenager had written to her. "I did have my Uncle Matt, but maybe if someone had stepped in a little earlier, I wouldn't have made all of the mistakes that I did before he came to my rescue."  
  
Hearing the painful longing behind the words, Harm found his voice to reassure his partner. "But you made it through in the end. And you've become a beautiful, successful woman despite your childhood."  
  
Mac cocked her head and gave him a funny look. "Compliments? From Harmon Rabb?"  
  
"I've been known to give them out from time to time," he tried not to sound annoyed at her facetious reply.  
  
When she realized the negative response she had evoked, Mac immediately closed herself off rather than risk a confrontation. She leaned against the window and distantly replied, "But rarely to me. You know, sometimes I'm surprised that we're still friends in light of how strained things have been since Paraguay."  
  
She hadn't really expected a response, but she got one. "I'm only this way with you, especially in light of what happened in Paraguay," he countered, checking his rearview mirror as the car tailing him decided to zoom by instead.  
  
Harm risked a quick look at Mac as she sat mutely with her head against the passenger window. He took a deep breath before elaborating, "I can never figure out where I stand with you, so I try not to rock the boat. The one time I deliberately tried making some waves, the boat capsized, and it took a while to get my life back together."  
  
"And how about when I tried making the first move in Sydney?" she asked in a dangerously quiet voice. She sat up and faced him as much as her seatbelt would allow. "Is your last ditch bid for my attention the only one that matters?"  
  
Harm ground his teeth together. They were both aware that their civility toward each other was precarious as of late and that any little thing could set them off. Somehow they'd managed to stumble into a conversation that they'd tabled many times before. This probably wasn't the best time or place to start the discussion, but Harm chose to keep the ball rolling. "There was a bigger time discrepancy in Paraguay. I told you 'not yet", you told me 'never.'"  
  
If he had said that to anyone else, it would have sounded completely rational and reasonable. But Mac wasn't anyone else, and she had had enough of his 'silently suffering' act. "I told you that we'd never work because I'd had enough of stepping all over each other's toes in this idiotic dance that you won't give up on," she practically screamed at him. As soon as her little outburst was over, she stared down at her fingernails and tried to will herself to calm down. It took her a moment to realize that the car was stopping. Looking out the window, she asked, "Why are you pulling over?"  
  
"I'm making good on a promise that we've put off too long already," he said as he angrily pulled his seatbelt off. She watched him exit the government vehicle and walk around to her side of the car. Opening her door, she felt the chill of the outside air rush into the warm vehicle as he stood in front of her. "Let's start unpacking our emotional baggage and get this talk over with, because I think it's coming whether we're ready for it or not."  
  
"We're going to have a serious talk on the shoulder of the interstate?" she said incredulously, trying not to show that she was stunned by the sudden turn of events.  
  
"Would you rather we wait and do this when we report in at Pensacola?"  
  
"No," she sulked, realizing that he was right this once.  
  
"Then it's going to be here," he said sternly.  
  
"There's people here," Mac complained.  
  
Harm threw up his hands in exasperation. "They're whizzing by us in their warm cars! Why would they stop and freeze their sixes off just to listen to us?"  
  
Mac glared at him and made no effort to get out of the car.  
  
"You're the one that made me promise that we'd have this conversation."  
  
"Fine," she threw back at him as she kicked her legs out of the car. Standing, she crossed her arms over her chest and gave him a hostile look. "What do you want from me?"  
  
He looked at her as if she should already know the answer to that question. "I want to know why you blew me off in Paraguay after you knew what I'd done to come after you."  
  
"I said thank you," she defended herself.  
  
"Yes, eventually you did," he started pacing, his hands gesturing animatedly as he spoke. "I gave up a career I loved for something that I thought was worth more than that. Why couldn't you recognize my actions for what they were supposed to mean?"  
  
"I--I don't know," she stumbled over the words, silently praying that Harm would chicken out before the real reason came out.  
  
"Not an acceptable answer," he stopped pacing to glare at her.  
  
She tried to avert her eyes, but couldn't. Under his intense gaze, Mac's face started to crumble and she knew he wasn't going to back down this time. "Because you gave up the career you loved for me," she whispered.  
  
He gave her a puzzled look. "What?"  
  
"You gave up something you loved above all else," she spoke in a thin voice, taking a tentative step toward him. Her arms were still folded across her chest, but now it was more of a self-defense gesture rather than one of animosity. "You dropped that bombshell on me without warning, with everyone there watching my reaction, and I didn't know what to think. You loved being in the Navy, and then you sacrificed that for me--how could I know," her voice broke and she looked away, but not before he saw the reflection of a tear in the corner of her eye, "How could I know that you wouldn't eventually sacrifice me for something else that you thought was more important?"  
  
He knew that Sarah MacKenzie had self-confidence issues because of her past, but he was absolutely floored that after all the time they'd known each other, she didn't have enough confidence in him to believe that he cared about her well-being above his own. "You were the most important part of my life, which was why I risked my life to make sure that you stayed a part of it."  
  
Just like she'd restrained herself in Paraguay, Mac again held herself in check against the man who stood before her. "If I'd fallen into your arms back in Paraguay, how was I to know that you wouldn't come to resent me for it if you were never able to go back to JAG?" she softly questioned, barely loud enough to hear over the steady zoom of passing cars. "Let's face it, Harm. You wanted to give me more than I could possibly accept... and I think you want more from me than I can give right now."  
  
"It's not a matter of what either one of us wants or gives or takes in this relationship... friendship... whatever the hell you want to call it," he shouted the last part in frustration.  
  
Mac started studying her shoes at his outburst, telling herself that she would not let him see her cry. He wasn't the only person bothered by how things had worked out between them.  
  
Realizing that raised voices would get him nowhere, Harm quietly walked up to Mac and placed his hands on her upper arms. He waited for her to look up at him, and when she finally did, he told her, "We are bound to always end up in this same place, no matter what choices we make to avoid the inevitable."  
  
"And what is the inevitable?" she managed to squeak, even though she had a good idea that she already knew the answer.  
  
"We are bound to each other in too many ways to be able to escape from this attraction. We both felt it the day we met, though it took awhile to recognize it for what it really was. Our conscious efforts to ignore it or block it have only caused us a lot of heartache and delayed the end result."  
  
"The end result is what we're torturing each other with right now, Harm," she pleaded in the hope that he'd sense her distress and let them out of this discussion. She twisted out of his grasp. "How many people are going to continue to get hurt because they had the misfortune of being involved in our lives somehow? I think that everyone, ourselves included, is much safer if we keep our distance. You've got Mattie to think of now."  
  
She didn't mention Webb, and Harm wasn't about to bring him into the already heated discussion. "You're missing the point, Mac. Everything has changed around us in the eight years we've worked together. We've changed, too," he tried again to approach her. She didn't back away, but she wouldn't look him in the eye, either. "Despite the change in scenery, the change in partners, the change in life's circumstances--all of which are contributing factors in the warped evolution of our relationship--somehow we always end up in the exact same place. We're right where we started."  
  
"Don't get too close. You have to work together," she murmured, remembering Admiral Chegwidden's admonishment at their first meeting in the White House Rose Garden.  
  
"He pointed out the forbidden fruit on day one. Human willpower isn't supposed to be strong enough to resist the attraction of indulging in it," he told her as he reached out a finger to hook her chin and bring her face to face with him.  
  
"I just don't know, Harm." She shook her head, but didn't break the eye contact that they'd established. He hadn't backed down yet, so she decided it was time for her to try her luck at pressuring him to admit certain things about their relationship. "There is something that's been missing from this picture that's kept us from going forward."  
  
They weren't touching, but he could feel her warmth just a hair's breadth away. "What is that?" he asked hoarsely.  
  
"Three little words that complete the deal, that make it impossible to deny," she said with conviction, knowing that he had to understand exactly what she meant.  
  
"You have someone that will always love you, Mac. The words are there." Harm reached out and cupped her cheek with his hand.  
  
"But is it so hard to say them without the riddles?" she asked shakily, trying to ignore how his touch was affecting her.  
  
"I can say them. I have said them before," he said more to himself than to her. A moment later, he refocused on the woman in front of him. There were faint trails of tears on her cheeks that were reflected in the passing headlights of cars. All the people passing by were so wrapped up in their own lives that they were oblivious to the fact that the culmination of eight years of drama was taking place on a dark shoulder of a busy interstate. He whispered, "The only difference now is that I knew for sure that the person would say them right back to me."  
  
"So you're too scared of rejection to risk it?" she argued. "You're so sure that our fates are bound up together, but you can't say the words that I've been waiting for." Her eyes went wide when she realized what she had just admitted.  
  
"I haven't heard you use those three words, either," he shot back, pulling his hand away from her face.  
  
"At least not in your presence," she retaliated, backing away and trying to regain her composure after admitting that she wanted him to tell her that he loved her. A few seconds later, she was apologetic. "I'm sorry, that was uncalled for. Both of us need to learn to avoid comments like that slipping out as an innate defense mechanism. They cause more harm than good in an already volatile situation."  
  
"I can agree with that."  
  
They stood apart, staring at each other as the bitterly cold wind whipped up by the speeding vehicles added to their icy words. The minutes ticked past, and neither made a move to get back in the car or to reconcile all that had been spoken. A semi honked as it rumbled by, and both jumped slightly at the interruption from the real world.  
  
Finally, Mac couldn't take it any more. "Do you think that it would be possible for two people as stubborn as we are to put aside all of our differences and hurt feelings for a few minutes just to see if perhaps we do have a common ground?"  
  
"What do you suggest?"  
  
"One admission--from both of us--can clear the air," she stated nervously. "I propose that on the count of three, we both say it."  
  
Maybe it was the cold air, the long drive, or the fact that this had been kept bottled up for too long, but Harm didn't outright object to her proposal. "That seems too simple."  
  
"I have a way of making complicated things simple, or so I've been told," she smirked at him. "Just go with it, okay?"  
  
"What if one of us doesn't say it?"  
  
She could have sworn she was reasoning with little AJ. "We have to trust each other."  
  
"Do we still have that much trust between us?" he worriedly asked.  
  
Mac was crushed that the thought would even occur to him. "God, I hope so."  
  
"On the count of three?"  
  
"Yes," she said firmly. Recovered from her momentary lapse in conviction, she took a step closer to him."  
  
"Are you going to count or am I?"  
  
"How difficult are you going to make this?" she couldn't help but ask him. Once again, she could have sworn that he never made it out of preschool.  
  
Harm was deadly serious as he licked his lips and replied, "I can make long, eloquent speeches, but saying those few words without a safety net may be the most difficult thing I've ever had to say in my life."  
  
She let the words sink in for a moment before asking, "Would you trust me with your life?"  
  
His eyes shone truthfully with his reply of, "Yes."  
  
She took another step forward and placed both of her hands in the middle of his chest. "Then give me a chance with your heart. Harmon Rabb, do you love me," she almost choked on the word, "enough to risk everything near and dear to you just for me?"  
  
He covered his hands with his own and looked into her eyes as he answered, "I have, and I only did it because I knew you would have done the same for me."  
  
"Then risk what's left of your pride, too, and let's try this again..." she gave him a small smile. "On the count of three..."  
  
******  
  
AN: Vent in your reviews if you must, but don't kill me if you don't like the ending! This is the ending my muse inspired me to write (even before I wrote the December chapters of the series), and I kind of like it because you can choose how you want it to end without the restrictions my imagination would put on the scene. Or having to pick up the pieces left in the aftermath (for those of you pessimists out there). Thanks again for reading!  
  
Written December 3, 2003 - January 18, 2004 


	13. Exploring the Alternatives

Spoilers: some leading up to "Pulse Rate" (I'm too lazy to list them), anything with Catherine Gayle;  Summary: Expecting perfection in a partner will only lead to disillusionment.  After eight years, Harm and Mac are faced with the bitter truth that they can't live up to each other's standards and it's time to move on.  AN: The lack of inspiration so far in 2004 convinced me to go back and piece together some of the thoughts I'd drafted for an ending to the Shifting Sands series before TPTB redeemed Mac's character in "A Merry Little Christmas."  This would have been inserted after "Humoring the Shifting Sands" where Harm promises that he and Mac will talk.  You'll have to assume that Harm could have gotten guardianship of Mattie without Mac's help.  I am a shipper, but this piece is not (consider yourself warned).

****** 

0944 EST

JAG Headquarters

"So Sturgis, what do you know about Harm's new mystery woman?"  Mac tried not to sound too interested as she queried the only person in the office that could possibly have this insight since Harm wouldn't talk to her about much of anything non-work related anymore.  She walked over to the sink in the break room and grabbed her coffee mug from the drain board.

Sturgis raised his eyebrows as he peered at her over the top of the newspaper he was reading.  "I'm sorry, but I'm not keeping tabs on Harm's personal life.  If you hadn't noticed, I'm working through some stuff right now, and adding Harm's load to my own isn't a viable option.  And that's assuming that he's willing to tell anyone around here about it."  He straightened up, folding the newspaper.  He turned to swap the periodical for his coffee mug, which had been sitting on the counter behind him.  "If you hadn't noticed, he's taking his time warming up to all of us again."

"I'd noticed," she replied to his rhetorical statement as she poured her coffee.  She wanted to verify the scuttlebutt she'd been hearing, and going to the source wasn't an option for her with the tenuous balance she and Harm had established between them since his return.  Maybe Sturgis did have some intel on the subject and she just needed to try a different technique to get him to share.  "Well, I've heard that he's really robbing the cradle with this one."

Stirring some sugar into the brew, Mac turned to face the naval commander.  "I can just imagine some young thing hanging on his arm, dazzled by the gold wings..." she trailed off as she belatedly noticed Sturgis looking past her toward the doorway.

"Commander," Harm greeted his Academy classmate coolly.  "I didn't know you endorsed the spread of gossip in the workplace."

"I was just on my way back to my office after skimming the headlines, buddy," the former submariner said, grabbing the folded paper he'd been reading to corroborate his story as he made a hasty retreat.  He knew better than to get stuck between Harm and Mac in one of their innumerable squabbles.

Mac cringed inwardly as she realized that Harm could have heard it all since her back had been to the door the entire time.  She usually wasn't this catty, but she was too curious to not try to find out more.  Even though she had told him it would never work between them, it didn't mean that she wanted him with someone else either.

"I didn't know that you were one for gossiping, either, Mac," Harm said politely as he refilled his coffee cup.  He didn't look up at her, focusing instead on preparing the perfect cup of coffee.  "And I though you knew me better than to believe the information you were passing on."

"I'm sorry.  I shouldn't have said anything," she apologized as she stared into her coffee, realizing this was probably how he felt after she'd overheard his comment about all of her ex's during the time of the Jag-a-thon.

Holding his cup in front of himself with both hands, he finally looked at her.  She knew that look because she'd worn it a time or two since the whole Paraguay fiasco.  It was a look of disappointment that things could have gone this far downhill for them.  "And I shouldn't have said what I did in the courtroom about your alcoholism.  We apologize too much for things we've said to hurt each other."

He paused for a second, collecting his thoughts before making the conscious decision to proceed with the conversation.  He'd promised her that they would talk, and this seemed like the time to do it, even though they could have chosen a much better place than at work.  "You were right that we'd never be able to have a relationship.  Heck, I'm having problems accepting 'friendship' right now."

To her credit, Mac looked sufficiently shocked.  "Don't say that, Harm."

"Why not?"

His calm acceptance was rattling her more than she would have liked, but she couldn't seem to keep her emotions in check at the moment.  "We're just at a bump in the road.  It will blow over," she promised.

"It hasn't blown over in almost seven months."  His voice was hard.  An emotional appeal would do nothing to budge him when he was like this.  "And before that we alternated between coexisting and wringing each other's neck.  What makes you think that this will ever blow over?"

"I can hope, can't I?"  She prayed that she hadn't sounded as weak to Harm as she had to herself.  Here they were, not even halfway through the workday, and she was about to dishonor the Corps with tears over a squid.  She sniffed them back as best she could, wiping at the corner of her eyes with the back of her hand.

"Mac, there's just one problem with our friendship," Harm sounded resigned as he traced the rim of his mug with his finger.  "I wanted more, and you told me flat out that it will never happen.  I'm finally accepting that and trying to go on with my life.  You need to accept that if we don't want the same thing, there is no basis for anything beyond an amicable working relationship.  We've got some good memories--let's not cloud them with more hurtful words and nasty confrontations."

She finally set down her coffee cup, which she hadn't realized she had been holding, white-knuckled, through this entire ordeal (which had actually only been three minutes and fifty-eight seconds).  "So poof, we're just not friends anymore?  That's it?" she said, using her hands to demonstrate the sudden poof she'd articulated.

"Should there be anything else?"

Mac glanced at the doorway, but thus far, no one had intruded, and it didn't appear that anyone would for a while longer.  Sturgis knew better than to enter the kitchen again before she and Harm left, and everyone else was in court, in meetings, or otherwise occupied outside of the office that morning.  Mac clasped her hands together as she refocused on the situation and blinked back a few stray tears.  "I thought that you didn't want to lose me."

Harm wearily responded, "I've come to the realization that I've already lost you."

"That's not true," she said with as much force as she could muster at the moment, which wasn't much.

"Think about it for a little while and you'll see that I'm right on this," he told her with that same, heartrending voice.

"Dammit, Harm!  I'm right here.  You haven't lost me!" she said louder than she'd intended.  Once again, she furtively glanced at the door, but her outburst hadn't attracted any immediate attention from the few stray people in the bullpen.  After a few moments of not breathing for fear that someone would walk in on this tête-à-tête that was definitely not work-appropriate, she looked back at Harm.  He was standing in the same position with his coffee cup in front of him like a subconscious barrier between them.  She took a risk and stepped up to him, just inside his personal space.  Looking up into his eyes, she took a deep breath and risked it all.  "I love you."

He gave her a sad smile.  "I needed to hear that back in Paraguay, or when I admitted I was in love with you at the hospital."

"But I said it," she protested feebly.

"And I think you mean it.  Mac--Sarah, I'm not the same person who went after you in Paraguay.  I have other priorities in my life now, and your last ditch effort to keep a hold on me didn't work.  I'd say I'm sorry, but there have been way too many apologies between us recently."  He leaned down and kissed her on the forehead before backing away with the words, "I love you, too.  But you said it first--it will never work between us."

Mac just stood there, staring at the empty doorway for a full minute before she forced herself to not to think about anything other than making it back to her office before she broke down.

By the time Mac had recovered enough to walk across the bullpen, Harm was already back in his tiny office behind the safety of a locked door.  It had been more emotionally draining than it had appeared for him to stand there stoically as Mac contradicted her Paraguayan declaration by saying the words he'd always wanted to hear from her.  He collapsed back into his chair and mused over the irony that they had both finally said that they loved each other, but instead of ending up with a happily ever after, they got an emotionally-charged mess.  This would be fun to deal with at work from now on.  As if he and Mac didn't create enough drama around the place already, they'd probably just added a nice dollop of awkwardness to the mix.

There was no cosmic justice in the fact that when she'd told him it was over, she was fine and he was miserable, but when he told her it was over, he was still miserable.  He shook his head disgustedly as he realized that they had both wanted something more from the other, but they had each wanted it on their own terms and that wasn't the way things like this work.  Mac had expressed it as the desire to always want to be on top.

Harm sighed as he looked at the unfinished paperwork spread out on his desk.  Picking up a pen in order to motivate himself to get back to work, he muttered, "As long as I don't get another lecture about pushing her buttons from the Admiral, I don't really care anymore."

1231 EST

20 December 2004 (approximately two weeks later)

Some random D.C. restaurant

Harm set his glass down after taking a sip of ice water.  Christmas music wafted through the air in the somewhat crowded restaurant as he and his companion waited for the waiter to bring them their lunch.  "Do you know if it's a boy or a girl?"

Catherine Gayle beamed at him from across the table.  "I want to be surprised."

"You sure are glowing for someone who didn't want to have kids less than a year ago," he couldn't help but comment good-naturedly.  She rolled her eyes and picked at the roll on her bread plate.  He chuckled, deciding to let it go and move on to other topics.  "Have you picked any names?"

"If it's a boy, he'll be Peter, after my father," she informed him, still radiating the motherly glow he'd picked up on the moment he'd met her at the door.  "For a little girl, I've always liked the name Wendy."

"And people say I have a Peter Pan complex!" Harm exclaimed with mock indignation.  "I'd risk saying that you're obsessed with it if you used the story as your database of baby names."

"A complex is different from an obsession, and in my case, it's not even an obsession, it's just a coincidence," she reasonably prattled back at him.  At the funny look he gave her, she couldn't help but self-consciously ask, "What?"

"That's something that could have come out of Mac's mouth.  She always had this annoying habit of trying to one-up me."

Catherine quickly picked up on the verb tense he had used to describe the colonel.  "She had?  Did she transfer out of JAG and I missed the memo?"

"No," Harm immediately interjected to clear up the miscommunication, "We're still both at headquarters, but... well, it's complicated."

She relaxed back into her chair as she realized that she'd jumped to conclusions as a result of Harm's vague wording.  Pursing her lips, she guardedly looked her dining companion in the eye.  "Harm, I told you to call me when you figured things out and decided you still wanted to try a relationship.  You invite me to lunch, and you compare me to Mac.  What should I be thinking about this?"

"I didn't mean to bring her up.  I'm sorry," he broke eye contact as he apologized.

"Don't be sorry, be honest with me," Catherine said gently as she reached across the table and touched the back of one of his hands.  He turned his hand over to squeeze hers before looking back at her.  She smiled for a fraction of a second at the small sign of affection before she dropped an ultimatum on him.  "You have two options today--do you love Mac, or are you interested in pursuing a relationship with me?"

He pulled his hand away as he leaned back into his chair and began nervously running his hand through his hair.  She listened to him voice some of the thoughts that she knew were troubling him from the moment she'd looked into his eyes.  "I... loved... Mac, the way she used to be, faults and all.  But she's changed since she accepted the Paraguay assignment, and I don't recognize the person she's become," he stopped and looked at Catherine, visibly pulling himself together.  "More importantly, I don't really like the person she's become.  We finally got to a point where both of us had admitted that it would never work.  Since you asked me for honesty, I will admit that sometimes you remind me of the old Mac, and maybe that's why I called you.  And maybe it's because we have a lot in common, especially now that we're both making drastic changes in our lives to take care of a child."

The last was said with a lopsided grin as he watched her reaction to the news.  Leaning forward again, he conspiratorially whispered, "I thought we could at least compare notes."

Catherine's open-mouthed look conveyed all of the million questions brought on by Harm's statement.  She couldn't seem to get her tongue untied long enough to compose any of them into coherent questions.  "And why...?  How...?  I mean..."

"I met a girl when the CIA let me go.  I dusted crops for her, found out she was all alone in the world, and ended up with a daughter."

"But that was only how many months...?  I mean, it takes a lot longer than that for a baby..."

Harm broke out in a full-fledged grin and decided to finally put Catherine out of her bewildered misery.  "I petitioned for custody of a fourteen-year-old girl who was running an airfield by herself after her mother died and her father ran off.  It just sort of happened that I met her at the right time when we were both looking for someone who cared.  We had our day in court yesterday, and now she's officially part of my life."

"So you've taken on a teenager," Catherine said to herself as comprehension kicked in.  She finally smiled at him.  "That's why you seemed so happy when you walked in here."  She didn't bother to add that she had automatically assumed that Mac was the reason behind his cheerful demeanor and that he had just wanted to let her know face-to-face that he was no longer interested.  She had been mentally preparing herself for that inevitability from the moment he'd called, convinced that Harm would never be able to let go of the thing he had with Mac. 

"I admit, it hasn't been the easiest thing I've ever done, this whole parenting thing, but it feels right to be doing this because we're better off together," he said as he pulled his wallet out from his uniform jacket.  He opened it to display a picture of his ward, like any other proud father.  "Her name is Mattie, and I asked her if she'd like to meet you."

Catherine raised her eyes from the formal school photograph that occupied the front pocket of Harm's wallet.  "You put a lot of thought into this, didn't you?"

"I have a child to think about now, so I'm trying to cut back on rash decisions," he once again flashed his infamous smile that could melt even the most impassive woman.  "So what do you say--would you like to join Mattie and me for New Year's?"

******

Written December 5, 2003 – February 19, 2004


End file.
